Tag Archives: therapy

Dear CoParent: A Letter To My Most Difficult Ex

17 Aug

Writing letter to a friend.

Dear CoParent,

I don’t often feel the need to communicate outside of head nods and waves, however I am somewhat compelled to bring back the art of letter writing. There are so many wonderful things I would like to share with you so here goes!

  • We are not telepathically connected, if we were we’d probably a)still be together (not) or b) you’d be totally floored to know how I really think about you, and not my polite company opinion of you, the gutter Love & Hip Hop, NY and Atlanta Reunion Specials opinion, the Teresa Giudice eye bulging neck vein opinion. So next time, try announcing your arrival for pickup instead of sitting in front of my house waiting like I am supposed to just feel your presence.
  • Do you think after all these years you arriving late for pickup actually bothers me? Nuh uh, as a responsible parent, there is always a Plan B. So if you think you are exuding some sort of control by just showing up when you like in order to either upset me or ruin my day…try again.
  • I love the fact that you always pick-up in taxi’s and hourly rented vehicles. Does the city give you a poor persons discount for these things? I didn’t know that people on Public Assistance who only make 5k per year while running a successful company could afford such things. o_O
  • I don’t talk about you negatively in front of your child, I don’t have to. The kid sees what an asshole you are unfortunately. I know, I know, its hard for you to hide it although you did a good job fooling me for a certain period of time. I am actually the one that encourages understanding, communication of thoughts and boundaries with both parents. Be lucky and appreciative because that kid gives some really wicked shade…I guess the kid learned that from you.
  • In case of emergencies, how about you call me. Sending text’s to my EMAIL ADDRESS is not going to get you a quick response from me during the day. I have a life, I work and don’t wait on your every word.
  • Just because you put it in an email, doesn’t mean it’s true. Do you not realize that email has time stamps and Tony the Tiger, is NOT REAL!?
  • Parenting Time, is not having your girlfriend pick the kid up from school, take the kid home, cook the kid dinner and then take the kid back to school the next day.
  • Although the kid is precious, the child its not a trophy. You don’t understand? Well all you seem to do during your Parenting Time is sit and stare at the kid, fuss if the kid is not dressed to your standards and show the kid off instead of having quality interaction and being a parent. Polished and in your possession…TROPHY.

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Are You Co-Parenting with Darth Vader?

31 Jul

Darth Vader had to be the worst father in the history of the universe.  Sure, he sacrificed himself at the end of his life for his son, but at that point after years of terror, it was too little too late. Given his prior behavior, Vader’s sacrifice was self-serving and Vader Come Lately if you ask me. And what about poor Padame? His evil actions caused her to croak. Could you imagine all of the Vadering that would have taken place to Padame if she was alive? If Darth Vader were living in present day, he would have dragged the mother of his twins through intergalactic Family Court in order to wrestle wrestle Luke and Laura away from her, because heck, Vader was not the type of man to pay child support and living expenses for droid upkeep.

Does this sound like your Co-Parent? If so, you are dealing with a man I would like to dub as Darth Father.

How do you know if you are dealing with a Darth Father, here are the 10 signs below:

  1. Any amount of child support is too much for a Darth Father to pay. Be it $50 dollars a month to $1300+ per month. If they make 10k to 2M per year, a Darth Father just does not feel like they should be giving you any money to take care of their child. Let The Rebels, i.e. your family, take care of the kid. Freak for all he cares, the Ewoks can chip in as well. Nobody is going to take away money from this Darth Father when he as DeathStars and shiny rims to purchase.
  2. Fights for visitation but then never comes to your galaxy to collect the kid(s). So after months, sometimes even years in my case, of fighting you for custody or visitation, a Darth Father will be granted visitation and then just disappears into the universe. But, that one day, when the child is not available, then watch out, hell hath no fury like a Darth Father scorned!  A Darth Father will have your ass back in Family Court quicker than Yoda can flip over your ass and cut your neck with a light saber.
  3. darth sidiousFights for visitation then leaves the kids with other people. So let’s say that after you go through family court and your co-parent gets your kid for a few days, they themselves don’t even spend time with your child.  A Darth Father’s kid will either get left with the current girlfriend, another family member or heavens forbid, with that family member who nobody likes who looks and talks like Darth Sidious.
  4. They know how to use The Force. The Force, being Family Court. For some Darth Father’s they have mastered The Force of Family Court. The manage to manipulate the system to their benefit, being able to obtain free attorneys, file constant motions and are some of the most litigious people from The Dark Side you will ever meet! Beware!
  5. They fight for control of things they cannot control. A Darth Father always wants to control shit that is not their business. If you start dating again, they want to be sure that this dude is not around their kid. They want to control how you do your child’s hair, what they wear, who their doctor is, but never want to do any of the work or the manual tasks that it takes to maintain what they want to control. Heck, my Darth Father once asked the court to make me inform him who I was going on vacation with. GTFOH! And when they do not get what they want they are quick to turn to The Dark Side to exact their revenge and “protect” what is theirs. Exactly what happened to “Sweet Little Annie”!
  6. A Darth Father never keeps their word. Remember when Laura told Darth Vader where the rebel base was in order to save the planet and that sucker blew up the planet anyway. Yeah, that’s a Darth Father.  You agree to all of their demands just to maintain a decent relationship for the sake of the kids and they cross those boundaries and mess shit up anyway.
  7. They misrepresent themselves to others. Before Darth Vader became, well Darth Vader, he was sweet little Anniken, right up till the end. Nobody knew that he was leading a double life of terror and mischief around the galaxy. And your eh hem, I mean Padame’s dumb ass didn’t see it. Your Darth Father will come to events and smile and wave for his audience and behind the scenes will literally be giving you the finger. My Darth Father once came to a school function to have his current girlfriend serve me with court documents.
  8. They speak ill of you to your child and to the Jedi Council. Anniken had no issue expressing his dislike and distrust to Obi Wan, just like a Darth Father would have no issue expressing his dislike of everything Mommy to your child. From her clothing selections to how I do her hair, Mommy always does something wrong.  These things are said to almost anyone a Darth Father can get on their side be it teachers, medical professionals or family members.
  9. No matter what planet you are on, you are still in THEIR UNIVERSE. These dudes are so full of their own Metacholrens there is no room on the planet for anyone else. Anniken had the most metachlorens than anyone had ever seen and all he could think about was securing his own interests. And just like a Darth Father, everything comes back to THEM. Your request for support is an attempt to rob him. Your attempt to set a schedule for your kid is an attempt to control their life and tell them when and how to spend time with their kid. Screw it, any and all requests is an attempt to ruin their lives according to a Darth Father. Beware Kimmie, looks like Kanye has the ability to turn to the Darkside!
  10. They are just plain EVIL and try to drive you insane. Anniken/Vader caused Padame’s death, it may not have been purposely, but some of these Darth Fathers live to see you suffer. They take Vadering to a whole other level with the tactics they employ to make your life a living hell.  Hey Padame took the sucker way out and left those kids to fend for themselves, we are stronger than that and live to fight a Vader another day.
A Darth Father lives for nothing more than to drive you nuts.

A Darth Father lives for nothing more than to drive you nuts.

So now that you now that you are dealing with a Darth Father, how does one get out of his grip and ride off into the sunset with Han Solo? Well lets save that for Part II.

Diary of a Fustrated Single Mother During Summer Break: BIG BAG OF CRAP

20 Jun

Day 0.0

So the day has arrived, the last day of school. My kid is out of school for the summer. I am excited and elated that my third grader is now on her way to the fourth grade! It was a tough year, and we almost lost it at the end, with the whole hitting a kid thing (even though the kid kinda started it), and some other issues; fooling around with her friends in Spanish and making a slingshot in English.  But the kid came back strong with grades, performance and behavior. YAY for mommy and yay for kid!

The last day of school was a rainy day, but I was still happy and eager and freaking excited that my new morning call time for the next three months would be for 7 and not 530 a.m. All of that changed when I walked into her classroom and saw what was waiting for me, it was the biggest freaking bag full of crap I have ever seen. The bag will here on be referred to as Bag of Crap. Yes it’s so big, it gets a name. Parents, you know about Bag of Crap, it comes home the day before winter break, spring break and summer break. It spills out into your living spaces immediately and takes forever to be dumped and put away. For some reason we parents never seem to remember to expect Bag of Crap and act ridiculously surprised when the kids come walking out the building with their trusty, heavy friend.

The past three years, I have fallen victim to Bags of Crap with its sharp objects poking out and ruining my suits and stockings with sharp pencils and books and random straws. Bag of Crap is are typically made of cheap materials and usually fall apart shortly after putting in 10 pounds of crap. This year, Bag of Crap contained: art projects made of food, clothing , toys you didn’t even know made it out of the house, one of my rings, I tiny origami bird 9 headbands, puppets, a few straws, pencils with paperclips put in the eraser heads tied up with strings….yeah, good ole Bag of Crap.  One would think that in the pricey school I send my kid to, they would have better quality bags lying around to send the kids home with.  Being that I am not an evil mommy, I end up schlepping the shit myself, along with my big ole purse or Bag of Craps cousin my Shoulder Bag of Crap.

So I figured this year I would be ahead of the curve and get her to start bringing home some of this stuff early so that I don’t have to look like a bag lady and break my back on the last day of school. Did the kid do what I asked? Of course the heck not. I ended up carrying this bag shown below, plus my bag, plus an over sized umbrella in the  pouring rain. Not light rain, not steady rain but bananas ass pouring, subway slowing rain. See the bag below, its as wide as my front door. This was no joke.

The bag is as wide as my kitchen door, is about 2 ft high and HEAVY AS HECK!

The bag is as wide as my kitchen door, is about 2 ft high and HEAVY AS HECK

Well welcome day 0.0 of my kids Summer Break!

For Kids, It Is Just That Simple: Life Lessons From My 8 Year Old

6 Feb

girl-under-bed_300Life, really isn’t that complicated and most problems have simple solutions. Just ask my 8-year-old.

The dreaded 3:18am wake up by your child, sometime, somewhere in your parenting journey, its going to happen. And on this Sunday night, I was violently shaken awake by my ridiculously strong  8-year-old. It’s not a usual occurrence so I expected to wake to some sort of  Paranormal experience where someone is levitating off the bed or the shadow of my ex attacking me for having his child support payments raised.  Instead I opened my eyes to find a very  cohearent, very alert child.  As a parent, we have our list of questions at the ready when these things happen: Are you ok?Did you wet the bed? Are you afraid? Did someone break into the house? Is someone outside with a big check with my name on it? Is something burning? To which she answered no for every question. After one final, WHATS WRONG KID! She replied…I need you to hold me so I can fall back asleep.

Too tired to argue, I did as was asked and went back to sleep.

The next morning, I asked her what was her problem. Why did she wake up the sleeping dragon. To which she replied. “Mama, I couldn’t sleep. So either I was going to be up and keep us both up or you could just hold me and we both get to go back to sleep. Makes sense right! It was simple mom, not complicated.” So yes, according to my very wise 8-year-old, life is that simple and I will take this talk and try to apply it to everything this week.

  • Dont like your job. Find a new one!
  • Gained some weight because you eat too much junk and don’t exercise enough. Stop eating junk and exercise!
  • Dont like your husband/boyfriend, get a new one!
  • Your kid likes to wake you up in the middle of the night…keep your door locked! 🙂

See its simple, not complicated!

#modelmombehavior

Behavior Boundaries: Don’t Sweat What Other Kids Do

22 Jan

There is a base level of normalcy within my childs behavior. The kid is going to challenge me, gives me her opinion whether I want it or not, always forgets to hang up her uniform, talks way too much, forgets her homework at times and there is a level of forgetfulness when it comes to please and thank you. With that being said, my benchmarks for behavior are different than others.

In my world, parenting shouldnt have to be an exercise in making your kid perfect or avoiding other parental criticism/comments or making your children the poster child for other kids or moms. It should be a mix of basic human decencies (no you cannot curse, hit, stab, murder, spit, pick buggers, steal, walk around naked or pee in public) and your own preferential parenting styles and values/morals (yes we can discuss why you are grounded, you can have a sleepover but I have to meet parents first, you must hug me in the morning). So talking in class every now and again is no real cause for concern, the kid is 8, that is a base level 8-year-old thing a quick mention of should fix, whereas full on clown behavior, talking back to a teacher etc will elicit the full vengeful wrath that is mother. You have to let kids screw up every now and again in their age zone and in your parenting zone.

But this is just my way of doing things. Others don’t feel or live the same, which is a given. The trick is knowing how to spot and deal with these people when you come across them and being firm and secure in your own parenting style so you don’t go home and drive your kid nuts with what Becky, Johnny or LaMarcus did and didn’t do today in comparison to your kid.

So another mothers mention of what Johnny does and how Johnny is the most polite alien in all of the U.S. of A. should roll off your back. So what if your kid doesn’t ask to be excused when they leave the table, if that’s not something that bugs you, screw what Johnny does. To you, your kid may bring about your wrath if they forget to recycle or takes things from the fridge without asking.

Dont get me wrong, sometimes, if a kid is sick, or has developmental issues or is violent or aggressive or a danger, do not ignore it, what I am saying is know your kid, know your boundaries, trust your parenting. Too many cooks in the kitchen turn the soup into pudding.

#modelmombehavior

This Week In Bad Parenting AND Bad Online Dating

14 Dec

shakefingerHappy holidays. Tis the season and I am in a giving mood, so this week I am giving you a two for one special. Not only are we touching on bad parenting, but bad online dating as well.  At the suggestion of a friend, I have decided to throw my hat in the ring again and try online dating.  Suffice to say, it has been loads of fun meeting people who I normally would not encounter in my day-to-day travels across the city. The experience is  like online shopping, and who doesn’t like shopping! I’m having a blast. However, one thing I am noticing is a large amount of men who put up pictures of themselves with their children on their dating profile. This, I do not understand. One potential suitor who messaged me, actually had a picture of his deceased son within his profile with the tag underneath, “R.I.P. my little man.”  Sorry for your loss but, this is not exactly making me want to reach out and touch you dude. That, is bad dating.

And on to the bad parenting, why would you want to put pictures of your children on a dating site?  In what world is that appropriate? Here we go, trolling through pictures of hot guys/girls and up pops a pic of you and your little one, right after the pic of you topless or shirtless all oiled up and ready to go.  (that is something else that I am having issues with but we are going to touch on that in a different post). Are you trying to say you are a well-rounded person? Want to look like a family guy/gal?  Are you trying to come off as less creepy? unfortunately, what you are really doing is showing that you are irresponsible.  You have no idea where these pictures are ending up. And given the fact that most dating sites have online applications that use location software to find people close to you, what if these people see you or your kid in the street? Awkward! And it is SO not sexy. If you wouldn’t let your 9-year-old have a Facebook page, why would you let them on your dating page? To me, it seems like common sense, and what’s worse, some of these people are not posting pictures of their own kids, but their nieces, nephews and god children. That is a complete and total violation of the family code.  Not to mention, if the father/mother of your child catches you using your kids in your online dating profile, you will be in loads of trouble. Womp womp.

Stop the insanity, oh and those horrible reverse mirror shots in the bathroom as well. :/

#modelmombehavior

This Week In Bad Parenting: I Would Have Knocked Your Kid Out!

7 Dec

WARNING, I put this video at the end because it was funny, but scared the mess out of me. So if you scare easily, dont watch it.  I would never get in an elevator like that again, in fact I now check elevators for that kind of stuff. But as funny as it is, whomever is the parent of this child gets my vote for bad parent of the week.

First off, if they pulled this stunt with black people, younger people or maybe just in another country, for sure, this kid would have gotten knocked the frack out! Did they not take this into consideration? In Mexico? In Germany? In Australia? Do you think the people down under or a potential cartel person from south of the border would have cowered in a corner? And if it were in the states? Yeah OKAY.  As in any horror movie, I would go down fighting to the end. This kid would have been thrown to the ground and stomped after I threw my 18 pound pocketbook at her head. Kid would have been missing a few teeth.

This was a bad and dangerous stunt for a child to participate in, but still, it is FUNNY AS HELL!

Scare me at your own risk!