Tag Archives: $hit my kid says

Dear CoParent: A Letter To My Most Difficult Ex

17 Aug

Writing letter to a friend.

Dear CoParent,

I don’t often feel the need to communicate outside of head nods and waves, however I am somewhat compelled to bring back the art of letter writing. There are so many wonderful things I would like to share with you so here goes!

  • We are not telepathically connected, if we were we’d probably a)still be together (not) or b) you’d be totally floored to know how I really think about you, and not my polite company opinion of you, the gutter Love & Hip Hop, NY and Atlanta Reunion Specials opinion, the Teresa Giudice eye bulging neck vein opinion. So next time, try announcing your arrival for pickup instead of sitting in front of my house waiting like I am supposed to just feel your presence.
  • Do you think after all these years you arriving late for pickup actually bothers me? Nuh uh, as a responsible parent, there is always a Plan B. So if you think you are exuding some sort of control by just showing up when you like in order to either upset me or ruin my day…try again.
  • I love the fact that you always pick-up in taxi’s and hourly rented vehicles. Does the city give you a poor persons discount for these things? I didn’t know that people on Public Assistance who only make 5k per year while running a successful company could afford such things. o_O
  • I don’t talk about you negatively in front of your child, I don’t have to. The kid sees what an asshole you are unfortunately. I know, I know, its hard for you to hide it although you did a good job fooling me for a certain period of time. I am actually the one that encourages understanding, communication of thoughts and boundaries with both parents. Be lucky and appreciative because that kid gives some really wicked shade…I guess the kid learned that from you.
  • In case of emergencies, how about you call me. Sending text’s to my EMAIL ADDRESS is not going to get you a quick response from me during the day. I have a life, I work and don’t wait on your every word.
  • Just because you put it in an email, doesn’t mean it’s true. Do you not realize that email has time stamps and Tony the Tiger, is NOT REAL!?
  • Parenting Time, is not having your girlfriend pick the kid up from school, take the kid home, cook the kid dinner and then take the kid back to school the next day.
  • Although the kid is precious, the child its not a trophy. You don’t understand? Well all you seem to do during your Parenting Time is sit and stare at the kid, fuss if the kid is not dressed to your standards and show the kid off instead of having quality interaction and being a parent. Polished and in your possession…TROPHY.

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Stuff Black Kids Don’t Do

20 Jun

People,  you can file this one under “Stuff Black Kids Don’t Do”. Notice in the video, not ONE black father, and it is not because they say black fathers are statistically more absent in the household than white fathers lol. It is because:

1) we raise our kids not to waste food

 

2) is really disrespectful to do that to your father and

3) you would be dead. PERIOD THE END

 

 

Diary of a Fustrated Single Mother During Summer Break: BIG BAG OF CRAP

20 Jun

Day 0.0

So the day has arrived, the last day of school. My kid is out of school for the summer. I am excited and elated that my third grader is now on her way to the fourth grade! It was a tough year, and we almost lost it at the end, with the whole hitting a kid thing (even though the kid kinda started it), and some other issues; fooling around with her friends in Spanish and making a slingshot in English.  But the kid came back strong with grades, performance and behavior. YAY for mommy and yay for kid!

The last day of school was a rainy day, but I was still happy and eager and freaking excited that my new morning call time for the next three months would be for 7 and not 530 a.m. All of that changed when I walked into her classroom and saw what was waiting for me, it was the biggest freaking bag full of crap I have ever seen. The bag will here on be referred to as Bag of Crap. Yes it’s so big, it gets a name. Parents, you know about Bag of Crap, it comes home the day before winter break, spring break and summer break. It spills out into your living spaces immediately and takes forever to be dumped and put away. For some reason we parents never seem to remember to expect Bag of Crap and act ridiculously surprised when the kids come walking out the building with their trusty, heavy friend.

The past three years, I have fallen victim to Bags of Crap with its sharp objects poking out and ruining my suits and stockings with sharp pencils and books and random straws. Bag of Crap is are typically made of cheap materials and usually fall apart shortly after putting in 10 pounds of crap. This year, Bag of Crap contained: art projects made of food, clothing , toys you didn’t even know made it out of the house, one of my rings, I tiny origami bird 9 headbands, puppets, a few straws, pencils with paperclips put in the eraser heads tied up with strings….yeah, good ole Bag of Crap.  One would think that in the pricey school I send my kid to, they would have better quality bags lying around to send the kids home with.  Being that I am not an evil mommy, I end up schlepping the shit myself, along with my big ole purse or Bag of Craps cousin my Shoulder Bag of Crap.

So I figured this year I would be ahead of the curve and get her to start bringing home some of this stuff early so that I don’t have to look like a bag lady and break my back on the last day of school. Did the kid do what I asked? Of course the heck not. I ended up carrying this bag shown below, plus my bag, plus an over sized umbrella in the  pouring rain. Not light rain, not steady rain but bananas ass pouring, subway slowing rain. See the bag below, its as wide as my front door. This was no joke.

The bag is as wide as my kitchen door, is about 2 ft high and HEAVY AS HECK!

The bag is as wide as my kitchen door, is about 2 ft high and HEAVY AS HECK

Well welcome day 0.0 of my kids Summer Break!

For Kids, It Is Just That Simple: Life Lessons From My 8 Year Old

6 Feb

girl-under-bed_300Life, really isn’t that complicated and most problems have simple solutions. Just ask my 8-year-old.

The dreaded 3:18am wake up by your child, sometime, somewhere in your parenting journey, its going to happen. And on this Sunday night, I was violently shaken awake by my ridiculously strong  8-year-old. It’s not a usual occurrence so I expected to wake to some sort of  Paranormal experience where someone is levitating off the bed or the shadow of my ex attacking me for having his child support payments raised.  Instead I opened my eyes to find a very  cohearent, very alert child.  As a parent, we have our list of questions at the ready when these things happen: Are you ok?Did you wet the bed? Are you afraid? Did someone break into the house? Is someone outside with a big check with my name on it? Is something burning? To which she answered no for every question. After one final, WHATS WRONG KID! She replied…I need you to hold me so I can fall back asleep.

Too tired to argue, I did as was asked and went back to sleep.

The next morning, I asked her what was her problem. Why did she wake up the sleeping dragon. To which she replied. “Mama, I couldn’t sleep. So either I was going to be up and keep us both up or you could just hold me and we both get to go back to sleep. Makes sense right! It was simple mom, not complicated.” So yes, according to my very wise 8-year-old, life is that simple and I will take this talk and try to apply it to everything this week.

  • Dont like your job. Find a new one!
  • Gained some weight because you eat too much junk and don’t exercise enough. Stop eating junk and exercise!
  • Dont like your husband/boyfriend, get a new one!
  • Your kid likes to wake you up in the middle of the night…keep your door locked! 🙂

See its simple, not complicated!

#modelmombehavior

Behavior Boundaries: Don’t Sweat What Other Kids Do

22 Jan

There is a base level of normalcy within my childs behavior. The kid is going to challenge me, gives me her opinion whether I want it or not, always forgets to hang up her uniform, talks way too much, forgets her homework at times and there is a level of forgetfulness when it comes to please and thank you. With that being said, my benchmarks for behavior are different than others.

In my world, parenting shouldnt have to be an exercise in making your kid perfect or avoiding other parental criticism/comments or making your children the poster child for other kids or moms. It should be a mix of basic human decencies (no you cannot curse, hit, stab, murder, spit, pick buggers, steal, walk around naked or pee in public) and your own preferential parenting styles and values/morals (yes we can discuss why you are grounded, you can have a sleepover but I have to meet parents first, you must hug me in the morning). So talking in class every now and again is no real cause for concern, the kid is 8, that is a base level 8-year-old thing a quick mention of should fix, whereas full on clown behavior, talking back to a teacher etc will elicit the full vengeful wrath that is mother. You have to let kids screw up every now and again in their age zone and in your parenting zone.

But this is just my way of doing things. Others don’t feel or live the same, which is a given. The trick is knowing how to spot and deal with these people when you come across them and being firm and secure in your own parenting style so you don’t go home and drive your kid nuts with what Becky, Johnny or LaMarcus did and didn’t do today in comparison to your kid.

So another mothers mention of what Johnny does and how Johnny is the most polite alien in all of the U.S. of A. should roll off your back. So what if your kid doesn’t ask to be excused when they leave the table, if that’s not something that bugs you, screw what Johnny does. To you, your kid may bring about your wrath if they forget to recycle or takes things from the fridge without asking.

Dont get me wrong, sometimes, if a kid is sick, or has developmental issues or is violent or aggressive or a danger, do not ignore it, what I am saying is know your kid, know your boundaries, trust your parenting. Too many cooks in the kitchen turn the soup into pudding.

#modelmombehavior

The Land of Misfit Toys: What the Heck Happened to Last Years Christmas Presents?

18 Dec

Every year I clear out the kids toy chest to make room for the new junk that will be purchased this year. However, when I went through her closet this year, I couldn’t remember what the heck I bought her for Christmas last year because I don’t remember her playing with much or should I say any of it. After a mind meld of sorts, I figured out what it was, where it was, and why she wasn’t feeling it.

password journalThe electronic diary: I wanted her to have something where she could write her thoughts and feel like she could keep it to herself (until I decide to read it). However. The darn thing didn’t work to her liking. The “password” didn’t keep it locked and the “secret” was a marker that can only be seen under a UV light. According to my daughter, after I finally put batteries in it, a full 8 months after the holidays, she told me, “Mommy, you got ripped off!” Said toy is in the back of the closet.

imagesCA0M33USFijit Friends: She ended up getting two of these because the dear CoParent doesnt like to communicate about anything. So not only did I not realize that it was an annoying toy that only makes even more annoying sounds, we now had two of them! This toys “annoy mommy” factor was so high, I kinda had to ban it to the “only play with when mommy is not around” pile. Yeah, its kinda harsh but we have a small apartment and I can practically hear when she scratches from across the house. This toy as well is in back of the closet.

DSI Games: Now these were winners! I still can’t remember which ones I bought but she loved them, she could put them on mute and it was a WIN WIN for the apartment!

SnowFlurryOutfitAmerican Girl Doll stuff: I bought her a winter white snow suit and Coconut the dog for her American Girl Doll. This was a WINNER! She loves that doll and the outfit matched hers so YAY!

I know there was other stuff, but honestly, I can’t remember. Goes to show you just what we SHOULD be doing during the holidays which is not driving ourselves crazy buying our kids stuff they don’t need, want or even remember.

Le sigh.

#modelmombehavior

This Week In Bad Parenting: I Would Have Knocked Your Kid Out!

7 Dec

WARNING, I put this video at the end because it was funny, but scared the mess out of me. So if you scare easily, dont watch it.  I would never get in an elevator like that again, in fact I now check elevators for that kind of stuff. But as funny as it is, whomever is the parent of this child gets my vote for bad parent of the week.

First off, if they pulled this stunt with black people, younger people or maybe just in another country, for sure, this kid would have gotten knocked the frack out! Did they not take this into consideration? In Mexico? In Germany? In Australia? Do you think the people down under or a potential cartel person from south of the border would have cowered in a corner? And if it were in the states? Yeah OKAY.  As in any horror movie, I would go down fighting to the end. This kid would have been thrown to the ground and stomped after I threw my 18 pound pocketbook at her head. Kid would have been missing a few teeth.

This was a bad and dangerous stunt for a child to participate in, but still, it is FUNNY AS HELL!

Scare me at your own risk!