Tag Archives: discussion

Dear CoParent: A Letter To My Most Difficult Ex

17 Aug

Writing letter to a friend.

Dear CoParent,

I don’t often feel the need to communicate outside of head nods and waves, however I am somewhat compelled to bring back the art of letter writing. There are so many wonderful things I would like to share with you so here goes!

  • We are not telepathically connected, if we were we’d probably a)still be together (not) or b) you’d be totally floored to know how I really think about you, and not my polite company opinion of you, the gutter Love & Hip Hop, NY and Atlanta Reunion Specials opinion, the Teresa Giudice eye bulging neck vein opinion. So next time, try announcing your arrival for pickup instead of sitting in front of my house waiting like I am supposed to just feel your presence.
  • Do you think after all these years you arriving late for pickup actually bothers me? Nuh uh, as a responsible parent, there is always a Plan B. So if you think you are exuding some sort of control by just showing up when you like in order to either upset me or ruin my day…try again.
  • I love the fact that you always pick-up in taxi’s and hourly rented vehicles. Does the city give you a poor persons discount for these things? I didn’t know that people on Public Assistance who only make 5k per year while running a successful company could afford such things. o_O
  • I don’t talk about you negatively in front of your child, I don’t have to. The kid sees what an asshole you are unfortunately. I know, I know, its hard for you to hide it although you did a good job fooling me for a certain period of time. I am actually the one that encourages understanding, communication of thoughts and boundaries with both parents. Be lucky and appreciative because that kid gives some really wicked shade…I guess the kid learned that from you.
  • In case of emergencies, how about you call me. Sending text’s to my EMAIL ADDRESS is not going to get you a quick response from me during the day. I have a life, I work and don’t wait on your every word.
  • Just because you put it in an email, doesn’t mean it’s true. Do you not realize that email has time stamps and Tony the Tiger, is NOT REAL!?
  • Parenting Time, is not having your girlfriend pick the kid up from school, take the kid home, cook the kid dinner and then take the kid back to school the next day.
  • Although the kid is precious, the child its not a trophy. You don’t understand? Well all you seem to do during your Parenting Time is sit and stare at the kid, fuss if the kid is not dressed to your standards and show the kid off instead of having quality interaction and being a parent. Polished and in your possession…TROPHY.

Continue reading

The Model Mom’s Lessons of the Week 8/3/13

3 Aug

 

The Model Mom’s Lessons of the Week:

  • If you want your kid to understand anything, use an example that references their electronic games.

        Mom: Would you lend your DS to a person  you just met?

        Kid: NO WAY!

        Mom: Well, I’m no sleepover with a new friend, you’re MY DS!

        Kid: I get it.

  • No matter how much you think you have it under control, your annoying  Co-Parent will be able to get under your skin, even 4 years later. Keep booze handy!
  • Oven cleaner gets just about ANYTHING clean.  Dried milk spill that I was NOT told about and only realized it happened weeks after dude to the residue all over my kitchen cabinets and outside of the fridge that was almost concrete…GONE!
  • No matter how many towels or washcloths you put in the bathroom, you kid will still USE YOURS!
  • It is great to be an easygoing parent, but sometimes, just because, tell them NO. Keeps them in check and keeps them humble!

Why? Because The Model Mom Says So! #modelmomsayso

 

Stuff Black Kids Don’t Do

20 Jun

People,  you can file this one under “Stuff Black Kids Don’t Do”. Notice in the video, not ONE black father, and it is not because they say black fathers are statistically more absent in the household than white fathers lol. It is because:

1) we raise our kids not to waste food

 

2) is really disrespectful to do that to your father and

3) you would be dead. PERIOD THE END

 

 

Diary of a Fustrated Single Mother During Summer Break: BIG BAG OF CRAP

20 Jun

Day 0.0

So the day has arrived, the last day of school. My kid is out of school for the summer. I am excited and elated that my third grader is now on her way to the fourth grade! It was a tough year, and we almost lost it at the end, with the whole hitting a kid thing (even though the kid kinda started it), and some other issues; fooling around with her friends in Spanish and making a slingshot in English.  But the kid came back strong with grades, performance and behavior. YAY for mommy and yay for kid!

The last day of school was a rainy day, but I was still happy and eager and freaking excited that my new morning call time for the next three months would be for 7 and not 530 a.m. All of that changed when I walked into her classroom and saw what was waiting for me, it was the biggest freaking bag full of crap I have ever seen. The bag will here on be referred to as Bag of Crap. Yes it’s so big, it gets a name. Parents, you know about Bag of Crap, it comes home the day before winter break, spring break and summer break. It spills out into your living spaces immediately and takes forever to be dumped and put away. For some reason we parents never seem to remember to expect Bag of Crap and act ridiculously surprised when the kids come walking out the building with their trusty, heavy friend.

The past three years, I have fallen victim to Bags of Crap with its sharp objects poking out and ruining my suits and stockings with sharp pencils and books and random straws. Bag of Crap is are typically made of cheap materials and usually fall apart shortly after putting in 10 pounds of crap. This year, Bag of Crap contained: art projects made of food, clothing , toys you didn’t even know made it out of the house, one of my rings, I tiny origami bird 9 headbands, puppets, a few straws, pencils with paperclips put in the eraser heads tied up with strings….yeah, good ole Bag of Crap.  One would think that in the pricey school I send my kid to, they would have better quality bags lying around to send the kids home with.  Being that I am not an evil mommy, I end up schlepping the shit myself, along with my big ole purse or Bag of Craps cousin my Shoulder Bag of Crap.

So I figured this year I would be ahead of the curve and get her to start bringing home some of this stuff early so that I don’t have to look like a bag lady and break my back on the last day of school. Did the kid do what I asked? Of course the heck not. I ended up carrying this bag shown below, plus my bag, plus an over sized umbrella in the  pouring rain. Not light rain, not steady rain but bananas ass pouring, subway slowing rain. See the bag below, its as wide as my front door. This was no joke.

The bag is as wide as my kitchen door, is about 2 ft high and HEAVY AS HECK!

The bag is as wide as my kitchen door, is about 2 ft high and HEAVY AS HECK

Well welcome day 0.0 of my kids Summer Break!

Behavior Boundaries: Don’t Sweat What Other Kids Do

22 Jan

There is a base level of normalcy within my childs behavior. The kid is going to challenge me, gives me her opinion whether I want it or not, always forgets to hang up her uniform, talks way too much, forgets her homework at times and there is a level of forgetfulness when it comes to please and thank you. With that being said, my benchmarks for behavior are different than others.

In my world, parenting shouldnt have to be an exercise in making your kid perfect or avoiding other parental criticism/comments or making your children the poster child for other kids or moms. It should be a mix of basic human decencies (no you cannot curse, hit, stab, murder, spit, pick buggers, steal, walk around naked or pee in public) and your own preferential parenting styles and values/morals (yes we can discuss why you are grounded, you can have a sleepover but I have to meet parents first, you must hug me in the morning). So talking in class every now and again is no real cause for concern, the kid is 8, that is a base level 8-year-old thing a quick mention of should fix, whereas full on clown behavior, talking back to a teacher etc will elicit the full vengeful wrath that is mother. You have to let kids screw up every now and again in their age zone and in your parenting zone.

But this is just my way of doing things. Others don’t feel or live the same, which is a given. The trick is knowing how to spot and deal with these people when you come across them and being firm and secure in your own parenting style so you don’t go home and drive your kid nuts with what Becky, Johnny or LaMarcus did and didn’t do today in comparison to your kid.

So another mothers mention of what Johnny does and how Johnny is the most polite alien in all of the U.S. of A. should roll off your back. So what if your kid doesn’t ask to be excused when they leave the table, if that’s not something that bugs you, screw what Johnny does. To you, your kid may bring about your wrath if they forget to recycle or takes things from the fridge without asking.

Dont get me wrong, sometimes, if a kid is sick, or has developmental issues or is violent or aggressive or a danger, do not ignore it, what I am saying is know your kid, know your boundaries, trust your parenting. Too many cooks in the kitchen turn the soup into pudding.

#modelmombehavior

Yes, It’s 39 Degrees Outside and You Have to Start Thinking About Summer Camp

7 Jan

Hey there moms and dads. Are you done taking down the tree? Putting away the decorations and still throwing out the trash from the gifts you gave and received. Well great, because now its time to start thinking about what to do with your kids for the summer.

That’s right, Summer Camp, two months of bliss or hell for some of us and the time to start planning and applying for summer camp is now. Somewhere in the mixed up universe that we live in, Summer Camp has gotten competitive, overcrowded and expensive. Gone are the days that you could just leave  your kid at home, or wait until April or for goodness sake June to place your kids in a camp. Now is the time, especially if you plan on applying for financial-aid, a popular week(s) during the summer or a popular camp.

Yes, it’s one more thing you have to do NOW on top of our New Years resolutions which you probably haven’t kept anyway.

#modelmombehavior

The Good and the Bad about Celebrity Pregnancies

31 Dec

celebrity-pregnancy-fashion_162810It is a holy celebrity pregnancy trinity going on in 2013. Kate/Jess/KimYe all preggers at the same time! Get ready for endless baby nonsense  And while all babies are wonderful, there are two sides to the madness that goes on when celebs get knocked up.

The Good – Fat Celebrities: It’s awesome to see celebrities get fat, even if just for 9 months with a valid excuse. Jessica Simpson got HUGE! Tori Spellings face will never be the same again! And Mimi, well, she always teetered on the edge of chunky anyway. Its nice for us mere mortals to poke fun and know that even stars get cankles.

The Bad – Post Baby Hotties: They lose all of that pregnancy weight too quickly and your CoParent looks at your fat butt and wonders why you cant drop the weight like Posh/Scary Spice and all those damn Victoria’s Secrets models did. I mean did you see Mel B post baby, geeze that gurl look good!

The Good – Healthy Lifestyles for Pregnant Moms: I love to see all the maternity health stuff for pregnant moms. From pregnancy yoga and swimming to baby-moons. Its awesome.

The Bad – Over Doing Healthy:  Since some of  you are so preoccupied with staying fit and healthy, I now have to see you and your big belly at the gym, the spa and on the jogging path. Sometimes its called over doing it. I do not want to see you in my noon kickboxing class sweating. I mean really, I am not only worried that you are gonna get kicked or pass out, I get angry when you dont because I am working so hard and I’m not pregnant.

The Good – Rich Baby Mama Drama: They make dysfunctional families and unwed parents look good/normal to the rest of us mere mortals. From Angelina and her wierdo life to Eryka Badu and her three babies fathers to Heidi hooking up with Seal whist preggers with another mans baby and Kim still married to Kris and having a baby by Kanye (KKK) and the blond chick from Mad Men (what the heck is her name other than Betty Draper) not naming the father of her kid. It makes the rest of us look normal.

Continue reading