Tag Archives: dating

The Model Mom’s Lessons of the Week 8/3/13

3 Aug

 

The Model Mom’s Lessons of the Week:

  • If you want your kid to understand anything, use an example that references their electronic games.

        Mom: Would you lend your DS to a person  you just met?

        Kid: NO WAY!

        Mom: Well, I’m no sleepover with a new friend, you’re MY DS!

        Kid: I get it.

  • No matter how much you think you have it under control, your annoying  Co-Parent will be able to get under your skin, even 4 years later. Keep booze handy!
  • Oven cleaner gets just about ANYTHING clean.  Dried milk spill that I was NOT told about and only realized it happened weeks after dude to the residue all over my kitchen cabinets and outside of the fridge that was almost concrete…GONE!
  • No matter how many towels or washcloths you put in the bathroom, you kid will still USE YOURS!
  • It is great to be an easygoing parent, but sometimes, just because, tell them NO. Keeps them in check and keeps them humble!

Why? Because The Model Mom Says So! #modelmomsayso

 

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Things Single Dads Say – Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That

9 Feb

Ladies, single dads are as awkward as single moms. Throughout my dating journey, I’ve met some really interesting men who utter the most ridiculous things about their offspring and co-parenting.  During many of these T.M.I. (Too much information) – confessions I thought about the sassy Ms. Sweet Brown who pointedly told a local news reporter that while in survival mode and escaping a house fire “aint nobody got time for that.” In other words, Sweet B had no time to grab shoes or valuables because it was a matter of life or death. Since then, her candid news interview has been viewed more than 5 million times on Youtube and her newfound celebrity has nabbed her an extreme makeover, an audio-tune remix of her news interview, a Tyler Perry movie role and endorsement deals. I realized that Ms. Sweet Brown and I are like-minded when it comes to dealing with do-or-die situations. Let’s face it: dating as a single mom is about the survival of the fittest and we must make life-altering decisions such as to kick or not kick a dude to the curb. After all, we have kids to consider when choosing a mate.

So here are some of the bizarre tell-tale signs that you need to chuck up the deuces to that loser single dad. Many of the things I’ve heard during dates are tragically comical at best. Hey, a single lady has to laugh to protect herself from a crying shame of a man. At least, these single dads’ revelations had me invoking the no-nonsense spirit of Ms. Sweet Brown. So fellas, here’s my 13-step program of “don’ts” to assist you with making a great first impression while trying to woo a single mom. And ladies, should any man commit these dating crimes, don’t try to figure it out, grab your stuff and run.

  1. Do not refer to your girl-child as a “little bitch.” No matter what your daughter does never describe her as such to the single mom you’re pursuing. Even if your daughter hot-wired your car to drive to Vegas to get hitched with the professor she slept with. If you do, I will bitch-smack you and make you my bitch! #rudearse
  2. Never admit that you allow your kid’s mom to handle all the parenting. If your idea of parenting is “I send the check,” then I’m ghost. You are a parent not an ATM. Now pay the check and take me home, big spender!
  3. Do not share that your 12-year-old is home alone, in a different borough, while you’re out dining. It’s evening and your kid is unattended but you’re calling every five minutes to ensure their safety. Really? Perhaps, you should have spent money on a sitter for one rather than dinner for two you ratchet absentee dad! You’re lucky that I haven’t reported you to BCW…oops already did!
  4. Keep any derogatory comments about your co-parent to your dayum self. If you’re that comfortable making disparaging remarks about your child’s mother then you lack respect and are full of drama. I can only imagine how you will bad-mouth me in the near future…if you haven’t already.
  5. Do not admit that your credit-card carrying 8-year-old is spoiled rotten. It’s simply not attractive and you are a bad parent for not investing in your child’s future rather than her go-for-broke plastic-addiction. Now, if you want to give me a credit card and spoil me rotten, well maybe we can talk a little longer.
  6. Don’t brag about making monthly child support payments. Raising a child ain’t cheap so providing financial support is your responsibility. But don’t expect an Oreo or my golden cookie for doing so. Handling your business as a dad is not a romantic gesture.
  7. Never admit that you’ve fallen behind with your child support payments. After you mention this during dinner I’ve lost my appetite knowing that your kid might not be eating a balanced meal because you’re not making a financial contribution to his or her welfare. At this point I am envisioning your seed dancing in the streets like Oliver Twist belting from an empty stomach “Food Glorious Food” and begging a stranger: “Please sir, can I have some more?” Deadbeat daddies should stay six feet under.
  8. Call when your kid is asleep. If your kid can’t handle you engaging in a phone conversation with anyone that means you’re probably not giving them enough attention. In fact, that means you won’t be able to give your kid and me the attention we need, which also means you’re unavailable. #beatit
  9. Never allow anyone to hear your 12-year-old babbling in the background during an 11 p.m phone call. Clearly, you have no control of your house and this is not going to work, ever.
  10. Don’t mention that your co-parent works for the F.B.I. or any other type of law enforcement. I’m not interested in a future interrogation or investigation. Actually, I will abandon you at the restaurant but not before using my dinner napkin to expertly remove all forensic evidence and shoving my glass and silverware in my purse for further precautionary measure. BTW, those alleged pics of my 22-year-old self at Hedonism in uncompromising positions, well, er, it wasn’t me.
  11. Save your sperm-donor-for-my-bestie-girlfriend sagas. Trying to convince me that you and your co-parent had this wonderful platonic friendship but chose to procreate with no strings attached is never a good look. Admit it: you smashed and crashed.
  12. Don’t confess that you have twins of another mother. If you birthed Wonder Twins–two kids, same or close in age, from two different mothers–don’t ask me out. Project Twins is not a scientific term that I can accept as a plausible reason for your irresponsibility.
  13. Sharing that your genius-kid skipped three grades is makes-me-yawn unimpressive. Simply not interested in playing nice with your socially awkward smartass that one day I might have to lock in a closet.

Again, fellas please understand that while we single moms empathize with your parenting woes, we not only don’t want to hear you whining about them but we absolutely detest that you remind us of our no-good exes. And trust us, ain’t nobody got time for that!

The Good and the Bad about Celebrity Pregnancies

31 Dec

celebrity-pregnancy-fashion_162810It is a holy celebrity pregnancy trinity going on in 2013. Kate/Jess/KimYe all preggers at the same time! Get ready for endless baby nonsense  And while all babies are wonderful, there are two sides to the madness that goes on when celebs get knocked up.

The Good – Fat Celebrities: It’s awesome to see celebrities get fat, even if just for 9 months with a valid excuse. Jessica Simpson got HUGE! Tori Spellings face will never be the same again! And Mimi, well, she always teetered on the edge of chunky anyway. Its nice for us mere mortals to poke fun and know that even stars get cankles.

The Bad – Post Baby Hotties: They lose all of that pregnancy weight too quickly and your CoParent looks at your fat butt and wonders why you cant drop the weight like Posh/Scary Spice and all those damn Victoria’s Secrets models did. I mean did you see Mel B post baby, geeze that gurl look good!

The Good – Healthy Lifestyles for Pregnant Moms: I love to see all the maternity health stuff for pregnant moms. From pregnancy yoga and swimming to baby-moons. Its awesome.

The Bad – Over Doing Healthy:  Since some of  you are so preoccupied with staying fit and healthy, I now have to see you and your big belly at the gym, the spa and on the jogging path. Sometimes its called over doing it. I do not want to see you in my noon kickboxing class sweating. I mean really, I am not only worried that you are gonna get kicked or pass out, I get angry when you dont because I am working so hard and I’m not pregnant.

The Good – Rich Baby Mama Drama: They make dysfunctional families and unwed parents look good/normal to the rest of us mere mortals. From Angelina and her wierdo life to Eryka Badu and her three babies fathers to Heidi hooking up with Seal whist preggers with another mans baby and Kim still married to Kris and having a baby by Kanye (KKK) and the blond chick from Mad Men (what the heck is her name other than Betty Draper) not naming the father of her kid. It makes the rest of us look normal.

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MILFin Aint Easy: What Is Your Baby Mama/Daddy – Kid Limit When Dating? (single mom dating)

29 Dec

the-brady-bunch

How Many Kids – Baby Mamas/Daddy’s Is Too Much?

Not everybody can be the Brady bunch.  In their scenario the respective other spouses were deceased. But that is not the case for us all and there are men and women out there who have multiple children with more than one  person, more than one spouse more than one hookup.  So, my question to you is, how many is too many? And what situations are you not willing to work with if your potential mate has kids?

In my life, I am 1:1, one kid, one dad and I will be 36 very soon. But on this fantastic dating journey that I am on, I have to say, I have found some crazy ratio’s. 3:3, 4:3, and yes, 5:4. I have had to ask my self, how many extra kids and women am I willing to deal with.  With 3:3, nope, I’m not gonna do it. If you have three kids with 3 mothers, you are sloppy. 4:3, married twice young and some chick on the side with the youngest kid being younger than mine and you are older than me…yeah not gonna work. And for the 5:4 dude, that stopped the conversation cold and I think I hung up the phone immediately. I didn’t even want to hear the story.  To make it simple, these are the types of situations that I have found:

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This Week In Bad Parenting AND Bad Online Dating

14 Dec

shakefingerHappy holidays. Tis the season and I am in a giving mood, so this week I am giving you a two for one special. Not only are we touching on bad parenting, but bad online dating as well.  At the suggestion of a friend, I have decided to throw my hat in the ring again and try online dating.  Suffice to say, it has been loads of fun meeting people who I normally would not encounter in my day-to-day travels across the city. The experience is  like online shopping, and who doesn’t like shopping! I’m having a blast. However, one thing I am noticing is a large amount of men who put up pictures of themselves with their children on their dating profile. This, I do not understand. One potential suitor who messaged me, actually had a picture of his deceased son within his profile with the tag underneath, “R.I.P. my little man.”  Sorry for your loss but, this is not exactly making me want to reach out and touch you dude. That, is bad dating.

And on to the bad parenting, why would you want to put pictures of your children on a dating site?  In what world is that appropriate? Here we go, trolling through pictures of hot guys/girls and up pops a pic of you and your little one, right after the pic of you topless or shirtless all oiled up and ready to go.  (that is something else that I am having issues with but we are going to touch on that in a different post). Are you trying to say you are a well-rounded person? Want to look like a family guy/gal?  Are you trying to come off as less creepy? unfortunately, what you are really doing is showing that you are irresponsible.  You have no idea where these pictures are ending up. And given the fact that most dating sites have online applications that use location software to find people close to you, what if these people see you or your kid in the street? Awkward! And it is SO not sexy. If you wouldn’t let your 9-year-old have a Facebook page, why would you let them on your dating page? To me, it seems like common sense, and what’s worse, some of these people are not posting pictures of their own kids, but their nieces, nephews and god children. That is a complete and total violation of the family code.  Not to mention, if the father/mother of your child catches you using your kids in your online dating profile, you will be in loads of trouble. Womp womp.

Stop the insanity, oh and those horrible reverse mirror shots in the bathroom as well. :/

#modelmombehavior

Prayer to the Co-parenting Gods to Help You Through the Holiday Season with Your Ex

19 Nov

Do NOT let your co-parent stress you out this holiday season. Say this prayer FIRST!

And so it has begun. With less than two days kicking off the holiday season, I wish you blessed co-parenting, scheduling and an easy breezy holiday visitation season! With that said, let us all bow our heads…

Co-parenting god,

I pray that this year be a stress free holiday with my co-parent.

I pray that my co-parent responds to all scheduling emails and communications within a timely manner and does not make scheduling pickups and drop-offs for holiday visits and school breaks a difficult one.  Because if I say 2pm you know the devil will make my co-parent say 1pm, and if I say tomorrow, that damn devil will make them say today, just to spite me. And if I want them to be flexible, they miraculously have plans that can’t be broken when you know they are just sitting doing nothing. I pray that my co-parent refrain from making incendiary remarks via email, text or voicemail or to my child during this holiday season, because god, you know how they are and you know how I am and you know, well YOU KNOW!

I pray my co-parent stay in their lane and refrains from acting sanctimonious because being a parent, just doesn’t happen on the holidays, it is a year round thing.

And co-parenting god, I hope, I really do, that my co-parent and their new piece do not go around playing house with my, um our child. Blended family is one thing, but it took two and that two did NOT include them! But bless them because they have to deal with what I didn’t want.

Co-parenting god, I pray that my co-parent doesn’t purchase over the top items for our child that they shouldn’t have without at least checking with me first.  I pray that we do not end up with 2 Fijit friends that get sent home to my house when I already have two more Fijit Friends waiting at home under the tree, because god, that fool just made me waste money and this month, my co-parent didn’t pay their child support. Sidebar:  nice earing’s/necklace/watch new girl/boyfriend. They must have spent some serious money on that, oh yeah, MY KIDS MONEY!

I pray, co-parenting god that my co-parent doesn’t prevent our child from calling my family members during the holiday season. Because if great Granma don’t hear from her great gran baby I will have to listen to that woman all day, tell me how stupid I was for laying down with that trash and how momma shoulda beat my ass more when I was a chile’ so I wouldn’t be in this mess because I was a fast ass and ask me how am I gonna catch someone with all these damn kids and that trifling co-parent still sniffing around.

And co-parenting  god,  I pray that my co-parent returns all the nice holiday clothing that I purchased for our child. And return them sooner rather than later because I paid for it with my money and getting a holiday outfit back on the Fourth of July Weekend is NOT going to help me out.

And I also pray, that if New Year’s eve falls on my co-parents visitation day, that they do not wait until the last-minute to cancel and say they are not going to pick up our child,  citing some sickness or whatever, when really, they have a hot date or the new piece doesn’t want the kids on NYE and fucks up my hot date because…wooo saaahhh, halleluiah… because co-parenting god, you KNOW it’s been a LONG TIME since I have gotten any and I NOW have a hot date and damn dey fine and god, dis person may be getting some…wait um okay scratch that.

And most of all, good, great, malevolent co-parenting god, I pray that you either give me enough strength or enough liquor to prevent me from shoving a fruitcake down the throat of my co-parent the next time I see them. I may get a little aggressive when asking them to “have a taste”.

In co-parenting god’s name, AMEN!

Happy Holidays

Men, Are You Sponge, err, Sitter Worthy? – Single Mom in the City

10 Nov

Men, I want you to know that when you are dating a single mom, you have captured and are spending time with, some of the most wonderful women in the world. But, men, you must know, that when we go out with you, we are actually paying to be in your company, literally.

For those of us single mom’s and some dads, who have their children full-time or most of the time, at some point, we will be paying a sitter in order to go out with you. Do you know how much a sitter costs? On average, a good, reliable sitter costs anywhere between $15-$25 depending on what city you live in, the age of the child, how many children and the level of experience of the babysitter. So the math for the evening on the town with you goes something like this.

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