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Things Single Dads Say – Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That

9 Feb

Ladies, single dads are as awkward as single moms. Throughout my dating journey, I’ve met some really interesting men who utter the most ridiculous things about their offspring and co-parenting.  During many of these T.M.I. (Too much information) – confessions I thought about the sassy Ms. Sweet Brown who pointedly told a local news reporter that while in survival mode and escaping a house fire “aint nobody got time for that.” In other words, Sweet B had no time to grab shoes or valuables because it was a matter of life or death. Since then, her candid news interview has been viewed more than 5 million times on Youtube and her newfound celebrity has nabbed her an extreme makeover, an audio-tune remix of her news interview, a Tyler Perry movie role and endorsement deals. I realized that Ms. Sweet Brown and I are like-minded when it comes to dealing with do-or-die situations. Let’s face it: dating as a single mom is about the survival of the fittest and we must make life-altering decisions such as to kick or not kick a dude to the curb. After all, we have kids to consider when choosing a mate.

So here are some of the bizarre tell-tale signs that you need to chuck up the deuces to that loser single dad. Many of the things I’ve heard during dates are tragically comical at best. Hey, a single lady has to laugh to protect herself from a crying shame of a man. At least, these single dads’ revelations had me invoking the no-nonsense spirit of Ms. Sweet Brown. So fellas, here’s my 13-step program of “don’ts” to assist you with making a great first impression while trying to woo a single mom. And ladies, should any man commit these dating crimes, don’t try to figure it out, grab your stuff and run.

  1. Do not refer to your girl-child as a “little bitch.” No matter what your daughter does never describe her as such to the single mom you’re pursuing. Even if your daughter hot-wired your car to drive to Vegas to get hitched with the professor she slept with. If you do, I will bitch-smack you and make you my bitch! #rudearse
  2. Never admit that you allow your kid’s mom to handle all the parenting. If your idea of parenting is “I send the check,” then I’m ghost. You are a parent not an ATM. Now pay the check and take me home, big spender!
  3. Do not share that your 12-year-old is home alone, in a different borough, while you’re out dining. It’s evening and your kid is unattended but you’re calling every five minutes to ensure their safety. Really? Perhaps, you should have spent money on a sitter for one rather than dinner for two you ratchet absentee dad! You’re lucky that I haven’t reported you to BCW…oops already did!
  4. Keep any derogatory comments about your co-parent to your dayum self. If you’re that comfortable making disparaging remarks about your child’s mother then you lack respect and are full of drama. I can only imagine how you will bad-mouth me in the near future…if you haven’t already.
  5. Do not admit that your credit-card carrying 8-year-old is spoiled rotten. It’s simply not attractive and you are a bad parent for not investing in your child’s future rather than her go-for-broke plastic-addiction. Now, if you want to give me a credit card and spoil me rotten, well maybe we can talk a little longer.
  6. Don’t brag about making monthly child support payments. Raising a child ain’t cheap so providing financial support is your responsibility. But don’t expect an Oreo or my golden cookie for doing so. Handling your business as a dad is not a romantic gesture.
  7. Never admit that you’ve fallen behind with your child support payments. After you mention this during dinner I’ve lost my appetite knowing that your kid might not be eating a balanced meal because you’re not making a financial contribution to his or her welfare. At this point I am envisioning your seed dancing in the streets like Oliver Twist belting from an empty stomach “Food Glorious Food” and begging a stranger: “Please sir, can I have some more?” Deadbeat daddies should stay six feet under.
  8. Call when your kid is asleep. If your kid can’t handle you engaging in a phone conversation with anyone that means you’re probably not giving them enough attention. In fact, that means you won’t be able to give your kid and me the attention we need, which also means you’re unavailable. #beatit
  9. Never allow anyone to hear your 12-year-old babbling in the background during an 11 p.m phone call. Clearly, you have no control of your house and this is not going to work, ever.
  10. Don’t mention that your co-parent works for the F.B.I. or any other type of law enforcement. I’m not interested in a future interrogation or investigation. Actually, I will abandon you at the restaurant but not before using my dinner napkin to expertly remove all forensic evidence and shoving my glass and silverware in my purse for further precautionary measure. BTW, those alleged pics of my 22-year-old self at Hedonism in uncompromising positions, well, er, it wasn’t me.
  11. Save your sperm-donor-for-my-bestie-girlfriend sagas. Trying to convince me that you and your co-parent had this wonderful platonic friendship but chose to procreate with no strings attached is never a good look. Admit it: you smashed and crashed.
  12. Don’t confess that you have twins of another mother. If you birthed Wonder Twins–two kids, same or close in age, from two different mothers–don’t ask me out. Project Twins is not a scientific term that I can accept as a plausible reason for your irresponsibility.
  13. Sharing that your genius-kid skipped three grades is makes-me-yawn unimpressive. Simply not interested in playing nice with your socially awkward smartass that one day I might have to lock in a closet.

Again, fellas please understand that while we single moms empathize with your parenting woes, we not only don’t want to hear you whining about them but we absolutely detest that you remind us of our no-good exes. And trust us, ain’t nobody got time for that!

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This Week In Bad Parenting AND Bad Online Dating

14 Dec

shakefingerHappy holidays. Tis the season and I am in a giving mood, so this week I am giving you a two for one special. Not only are we touching on bad parenting, but bad online dating as well.  At the suggestion of a friend, I have decided to throw my hat in the ring again and try online dating.  Suffice to say, it has been loads of fun meeting people who I normally would not encounter in my day-to-day travels across the city. The experience is  like online shopping, and who doesn’t like shopping! I’m having a blast. However, one thing I am noticing is a large amount of men who put up pictures of themselves with their children on their dating profile. This, I do not understand. One potential suitor who messaged me, actually had a picture of his deceased son within his profile with the tag underneath, “R.I.P. my little man.”  Sorry for your loss but, this is not exactly making me want to reach out and touch you dude. That, is bad dating.

And on to the bad parenting, why would you want to put pictures of your children on a dating site?  In what world is that appropriate? Here we go, trolling through pictures of hot guys/girls and up pops a pic of you and your little one, right after the pic of you topless or shirtless all oiled up and ready to go.  (that is something else that I am having issues with but we are going to touch on that in a different post). Are you trying to say you are a well-rounded person? Want to look like a family guy/gal?  Are you trying to come off as less creepy? unfortunately, what you are really doing is showing that you are irresponsible.  You have no idea where these pictures are ending up. And given the fact that most dating sites have online applications that use location software to find people close to you, what if these people see you or your kid in the street? Awkward! And it is SO not sexy. If you wouldn’t let your 9-year-old have a Facebook page, why would you let them on your dating page? To me, it seems like common sense, and what’s worse, some of these people are not posting pictures of their own kids, but their nieces, nephews and god children. That is a complete and total violation of the family code.  Not to mention, if the father/mother of your child catches you using your kids in your online dating profile, you will be in loads of trouble. Womp womp.

Stop the insanity, oh and those horrible reverse mirror shots in the bathroom as well. :/

#modelmombehavior

This Week In Bad Parenting: I Would Have Knocked Your Kid Out!

7 Dec

WARNING, I put this video at the end because it was funny, but scared the mess out of me. So if you scare easily, dont watch it.  I would never get in an elevator like that again, in fact I now check elevators for that kind of stuff. But as funny as it is, whomever is the parent of this child gets my vote for bad parent of the week.

First off, if they pulled this stunt with black people, younger people or maybe just in another country, for sure, this kid would have gotten knocked the frack out! Did they not take this into consideration? In Mexico? In Germany? In Australia? Do you think the people down under or a potential cartel person from south of the border would have cowered in a corner? And if it were in the states? Yeah OKAY.  As in any horror movie, I would go down fighting to the end. This kid would have been thrown to the ground and stomped after I threw my 18 pound pocketbook at her head. Kid would have been missing a few teeth.

This was a bad and dangerous stunt for a child to participate in, but still, it is FUNNY AS HELL!

Scare me at your own risk!

Dumb Things Pregnant Women Pay For: Obsessing Over Baby In the Womb

27 Nov

I admit, I did get a little crazy when my child was still in the oven. I talked to her, I played music for her, I even put my sonogram in a frame and put a Santa hat on it and took pics for Christmas and sent it to friends via my cell phone. Hey don’t judge me. But glorifying the whole 9 month experience has gone WAY too far and is beyond the scope of me sending out a pic of my sonogram in a Santa hat. As per the NY Daily News, a Japan firm is now making and offering for sale a 3D model of your fetus for $1200 dollars.

Yes you heard me. The 3.6-inch resin model of the white fetus, encased in a transparent block in the shape of the mother’s body, is fashioned by a 3D printer after an MRI scan. AND they even put it on a key chain if you like. Now, I am all about creating moments to remember, but why the heck would I want to show this off to friends. Hey look at my tiny uncooked baby on a key chain. This goes right up there with getting a mold of your stomach made. Why would you want a paper machete of  your huge belly, what is the purpose, I don’t get it. And where do you keep it? 😦 I am already having nightmares about this mess. It looks like the alien from Alien. Yuck.

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Half Naked in the Snow: This Week in Bad Parenting

9 Nov

This week on the East Coast, we had some bad weather, some Day After Tomorrow the movie weather. Yet still, on a day when it was below 40 degrees outside and snowing, snowing hard, I saw children outside in ballet flats, skirts with no stockings and open jackets. The kids are shivering, freezing, and look absolutely crazy. But their parents see nothing wrong with it.

I could understand if you are a grown as wo/man, but if you are my child, on no planet would you be able to leave the house looking like that. It is not as if you can’t afford a coat.

Go home and go put some clothes on!

#modelmombehavior

Taking Your Kid Out To A Strip Joint: This Week In Bad Parenting

2 Nov

This weeks bad parent award goes the newly minted Mr. and Mrs. Kelsey Grammer.  As reported by TMZ, the Grammer’s took their 3 month old to the Playboy Mansion for a Halloween party. Their excuse, the new mom is breastfeeding and they couldn’t find a reliable sitter.

I call bullshit. With millions of dollars in the bank, they, after three months, can’t find a suitable nanny in all of Los Angeles? That unlike millions of mom’s who breastfeed and go to work, they could not figure out how to pump and bottle feed their child?

And not to mention its not as if the freshly minted Mrs. Grammer was missing a night out at the Oscars. She could have, um, I dunno, stayed at home maybe. A party at the Playboy Mansion is not what one would consider a must attend event. I see no reason as to why they dragged a 3 month old to an all night long, loud party with half naked women and drinking.  Were they not afraid that someone would spill a drink or some other bodily fluid on that child. The picture shown below courtesy TMZ.com states that it was around after midnight when it was taken. And I’m sorry, isn’t there a “must have nanny” clause in the pre-nup?

Now, we all have been there where we made questionable decisions as to where we take our kids. I have taken my baby to dinner late at night but it wasn’t a party. I have also taken her to an open air restaurant that has a bar-esque feel to it, but a Playboy Mansion party? Really!  This sounds more like the Mrs. wanted to keep an eye on her hubby around some non lactating boobies.

Mr. Grammer, this bunny is for you! 🙂

#modelmombehavior

 

This Week In Bad Parenting: This is the name that NEVER ends! Where Uma went WRONG.

27 Oct

This week, the bad parent award goes to Uma Thurman for the worlds longest, most annoying name for a child ever and for a nickname that makes absolutely NO sense.

Rosalind Arusha Arkadina Altalune Florence Thurman-Busson, Luna for short.  REALLY Uma Thurman? So the simple, three, maybe four name for a child was just not enough for you?! I mean, not only will the kid NEVER remember her full name until she is about 7, she is NOT going to use any of them ever.

What was she thinking? I know,  if the kid turns out to be an actress and Rosalind was taken that she would have plenty of other legal SAG names to choose from. SMH. Come on.

 

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