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The Model Mom’s Lessons of the Week 8/3/13

3 Aug

 

The Model Mom’s Lessons of the Week:

  • If you want your kid to understand anything, use an example that references their electronic games.

        Mom: Would you lend your DS to a person  you just met?

        Kid: NO WAY!

        Mom: Well, I’m no sleepover with a new friend, you’re MY DS!

        Kid: I get it.

  • No matter how much you think you have it under control, your annoying  Co-Parent will be able to get under your skin, even 4 years later. Keep booze handy!
  • Oven cleaner gets just about ANYTHING clean.  Dried milk spill that I was NOT told about and only realized it happened weeks after dude to the residue all over my kitchen cabinets and outside of the fridge that was almost concrete…GONE!
  • No matter how many towels or washcloths you put in the bathroom, you kid will still USE YOURS!
  • It is great to be an easygoing parent, but sometimes, just because, tell them NO. Keeps them in check and keeps them humble!

Why? Because The Model Mom Says So! #modelmomsayso

 

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Stuff Black Kids Don’t Do

20 Jun

People,  you can file this one under “Stuff Black Kids Don’t Do”. Notice in the video, not ONE black father, and it is not because they say black fathers are statistically more absent in the household than white fathers lol. It is because:

1) we raise our kids not to waste food

 

2) is really disrespectful to do that to your father and

3) you would be dead. PERIOD THE END

 

 

Diary of a Fustrated Single Mother During Summer Break: BIG BAG OF CRAP

20 Jun

Day 0.0

So the day has arrived, the last day of school. My kid is out of school for the summer. I am excited and elated that my third grader is now on her way to the fourth grade! It was a tough year, and we almost lost it at the end, with the whole hitting a kid thing (even though the kid kinda started it), and some other issues; fooling around with her friends in Spanish and making a slingshot in English.  But the kid came back strong with grades, performance and behavior. YAY for mommy and yay for kid!

The last day of school was a rainy day, but I was still happy and eager and freaking excited that my new morning call time for the next three months would be for 7 and not 530 a.m. All of that changed when I walked into her classroom and saw what was waiting for me, it was the biggest freaking bag full of crap I have ever seen. The bag will here on be referred to as Bag of Crap. Yes it’s so big, it gets a name. Parents, you know about Bag of Crap, it comes home the day before winter break, spring break and summer break. It spills out into your living spaces immediately and takes forever to be dumped and put away. For some reason we parents never seem to remember to expect Bag of Crap and act ridiculously surprised when the kids come walking out the building with their trusty, heavy friend.

The past three years, I have fallen victim to Bags of Crap with its sharp objects poking out and ruining my suits and stockings with sharp pencils and books and random straws. Bag of Crap is are typically made of cheap materials and usually fall apart shortly after putting in 10 pounds of crap. This year, Bag of Crap contained: art projects made of food, clothing , toys you didn’t even know made it out of the house, one of my rings, I tiny origami bird 9 headbands, puppets, a few straws, pencils with paperclips put in the eraser heads tied up with strings….yeah, good ole Bag of Crap.  One would think that in the pricey school I send my kid to, they would have better quality bags lying around to send the kids home with.  Being that I am not an evil mommy, I end up schlepping the shit myself, along with my big ole purse or Bag of Craps cousin my Shoulder Bag of Crap.

So I figured this year I would be ahead of the curve and get her to start bringing home some of this stuff early so that I don’t have to look like a bag lady and break my back on the last day of school. Did the kid do what I asked? Of course the heck not. I ended up carrying this bag shown below, plus my bag, plus an over sized umbrella in the  pouring rain. Not light rain, not steady rain but bananas ass pouring, subway slowing rain. See the bag below, its as wide as my front door. This was no joke.

The bag is as wide as my kitchen door, is about 2 ft high and HEAVY AS HECK!

The bag is as wide as my kitchen door, is about 2 ft high and HEAVY AS HECK

Well welcome day 0.0 of my kids Summer Break!

For Kids, It Is Just That Simple: Life Lessons From My 8 Year Old

6 Feb

girl-under-bed_300Life, really isn’t that complicated and most problems have simple solutions. Just ask my 8-year-old.

The dreaded 3:18am wake up by your child, sometime, somewhere in your parenting journey, its going to happen. And on this Sunday night, I was violently shaken awake by my ridiculously strong  8-year-old. It’s not a usual occurrence so I expected to wake to some sort of  Paranormal experience where someone is levitating off the bed or the shadow of my ex attacking me for having his child support payments raised.  Instead I opened my eyes to find a very  cohearent, very alert child.  As a parent, we have our list of questions at the ready when these things happen: Are you ok?Did you wet the bed? Are you afraid? Did someone break into the house? Is someone outside with a big check with my name on it? Is something burning? To which she answered no for every question. After one final, WHATS WRONG KID! She replied…I need you to hold me so I can fall back asleep.

Too tired to argue, I did as was asked and went back to sleep.

The next morning, I asked her what was her problem. Why did she wake up the sleeping dragon. To which she replied. “Mama, I couldn’t sleep. So either I was going to be up and keep us both up or you could just hold me and we both get to go back to sleep. Makes sense right! It was simple mom, not complicated.” So yes, according to my very wise 8-year-old, life is that simple and I will take this talk and try to apply it to everything this week.

  • Dont like your job. Find a new one!
  • Gained some weight because you eat too much junk and don’t exercise enough. Stop eating junk and exercise!
  • Dont like your husband/boyfriend, get a new one!
  • Your kid likes to wake you up in the middle of the night…keep your door locked! 🙂

See its simple, not complicated!

#modelmombehavior

Behavior Boundaries: Don’t Sweat What Other Kids Do

22 Jan

There is a base level of normalcy within my childs behavior. The kid is going to challenge me, gives me her opinion whether I want it or not, always forgets to hang up her uniform, talks way too much, forgets her homework at times and there is a level of forgetfulness when it comes to please and thank you. With that being said, my benchmarks for behavior are different than others.

In my world, parenting shouldnt have to be an exercise in making your kid perfect or avoiding other parental criticism/comments or making your children the poster child for other kids or moms. It should be a mix of basic human decencies (no you cannot curse, hit, stab, murder, spit, pick buggers, steal, walk around naked or pee in public) and your own preferential parenting styles and values/morals (yes we can discuss why you are grounded, you can have a sleepover but I have to meet parents first, you must hug me in the morning). So talking in class every now and again is no real cause for concern, the kid is 8, that is a base level 8-year-old thing a quick mention of should fix, whereas full on clown behavior, talking back to a teacher etc will elicit the full vengeful wrath that is mother. You have to let kids screw up every now and again in their age zone and in your parenting zone.

But this is just my way of doing things. Others don’t feel or live the same, which is a given. The trick is knowing how to spot and deal with these people when you come across them and being firm and secure in your own parenting style so you don’t go home and drive your kid nuts with what Becky, Johnny or LaMarcus did and didn’t do today in comparison to your kid.

So another mothers mention of what Johnny does and how Johnny is the most polite alien in all of the U.S. of A. should roll off your back. So what if your kid doesn’t ask to be excused when they leave the table, if that’s not something that bugs you, screw what Johnny does. To you, your kid may bring about your wrath if they forget to recycle or takes things from the fridge without asking.

Dont get me wrong, sometimes, if a kid is sick, or has developmental issues or is violent or aggressive or a danger, do not ignore it, what I am saying is know your kid, know your boundaries, trust your parenting. Too many cooks in the kitchen turn the soup into pudding.

#modelmombehavior

Yes, It’s 39 Degrees Outside and You Have to Start Thinking About Summer Camp

7 Jan

Hey there moms and dads. Are you done taking down the tree? Putting away the decorations and still throwing out the trash from the gifts you gave and received. Well great, because now its time to start thinking about what to do with your kids for the summer.

That’s right, Summer Camp, two months of bliss or hell for some of us and the time to start planning and applying for summer camp is now. Somewhere in the mixed up universe that we live in, Summer Camp has gotten competitive, overcrowded and expensive. Gone are the days that you could just leave  your kid at home, or wait until April or for goodness sake June to place your kids in a camp. Now is the time, especially if you plan on applying for financial-aid, a popular week(s) during the summer or a popular camp.

Yes, it’s one more thing you have to do NOW on top of our New Years resolutions which you probably haven’t kept anyway.

#modelmombehavior

From Parker Louis Can’t Lose to Shake It Up: The Downfall of Children’s Live Action Programming

4 Jan

parkerlewisSHAKE-IT-UP

Coming off of the holidays and sitting with the kid and watching endless hours of children’s live action programming  I realized one thing, TV shows for kids absolutely suck.

Back in my days, we didn’t have too many live action shows for tweens. The 8-12 year olds were either lumped in with the adults with shows like Night Rider, Air Wolf and Full House or we got sucked into the ABC Afterschool Specials.  Sidebar:  In my opinion those ABC Specials ended up being the precursor to the Lifetime Movie Network with its drama filled, but easily deciphered morality tales. My Mom’s Having a Baby and Mom and Dad Can’t Hear Me and my all-time favorite, My Terrible Secret. I can bet you some of those titles were reused on LMN! But back to the story, the ABC afterschool specials were some of the classics that had me running home. The few live action shows that we eventually did have, well they were amazing. From Small Wonder, to Evie and her cute but dumb boyfriend in Out of This World to my all-time favorite, Parker Lewis Can’t Lose and let us not forget Saved By The Bell. This was good television.

Zack, Slater, Parker, heck TOOTIE! and Urkel, these guys had class, pizzazz  real life struggles, real story lines. Not this crazy mumbo jumbo that the kids are watching now.  These shows weren’t all formulaic and weren’t based on characters who wanted to be celebrities or fake celebrities, etc. They were based on oddity, superhero status and the fun part of being a dork. Imagination is now dead and celebrity killed the television show ideas. Now we have shows like Shake It Up where the kids are dancers, really bad dancers on TV shows. Not to mention Hannah Montana and what was that other show with the kid who is a pop star with the fat kid friend and oh don’t forget iCarly and Good Luck Charlie and all the other shows who have kids who sing and dance and do videos and the like, ahh ANT Farm! What the heck happened to it all?! Where is the fun?! Where is the imagination?! Where is the sci-fi?!