Archive | Single Mom In The City RSS feed for this section

Things Single Dads Say – Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That

9 Feb

Ladies, single dads are as awkward as single moms. Throughout my dating journey, I’ve met some really interesting men who utter the most ridiculous things about their offspring and co-parenting.  During many of these T.M.I. (Too much information) – confessions I thought about the sassy Ms. Sweet Brown who pointedly told a local news reporter that while in survival mode and escaping a house fire “aint nobody got time for that.” In other words, Sweet B had no time to grab shoes or valuables because it was a matter of life or death. Since then, her candid news interview has been viewed more than 5 million times on Youtube and her newfound celebrity has nabbed her an extreme makeover, an audio-tune remix of her news interview, a Tyler Perry movie role and endorsement deals. I realized that Ms. Sweet Brown and I are like-minded when it comes to dealing with do-or-die situations. Let’s face it: dating as a single mom is about the survival of the fittest and we must make life-altering decisions such as to kick or not kick a dude to the curb. After all, we have kids to consider when choosing a mate.

So here are some of the bizarre tell-tale signs that you need to chuck up the deuces to that loser single dad. Many of the things I’ve heard during dates are tragically comical at best. Hey, a single lady has to laugh to protect herself from a crying shame of a man. At least, these single dads’ revelations had me invoking the no-nonsense spirit of Ms. Sweet Brown. So fellas, here’s my 13-step program of “don’ts” to assist you with making a great first impression while trying to woo a single mom. And ladies, should any man commit these dating crimes, don’t try to figure it out, grab your stuff and run.

  1. Do not refer to your girl-child as a “little bitch.” No matter what your daughter does never describe her as such to the single mom you’re pursuing. Even if your daughter hot-wired your car to drive to Vegas to get hitched with the professor she slept with. If you do, I will bitch-smack you and make you my bitch! #rudearse
  2. Never admit that you allow your kid’s mom to handle all the parenting. If your idea of parenting is “I send the check,” then I’m ghost. You are a parent not an ATM. Now pay the check and take me home, big spender!
  3. Do not share that your 12-year-old is home alone, in a different borough, while you’re out dining. It’s evening and your kid is unattended but you’re calling every five minutes to ensure their safety. Really? Perhaps, you should have spent money on a sitter for one rather than dinner for two you ratchet absentee dad! You’re lucky that I haven’t reported you to BCW…oops already did!
  4. Keep any derogatory comments about your co-parent to your dayum self. If you’re that comfortable making disparaging remarks about your child’s mother then you lack respect and are full of drama. I can only imagine how you will bad-mouth me in the near future…if you haven’t already.
  5. Do not admit that your credit-card carrying 8-year-old is spoiled rotten. It’s simply not attractive and you are a bad parent for not investing in your child’s future rather than her go-for-broke plastic-addiction. Now, if you want to give me a credit card and spoil me rotten, well maybe we can talk a little longer.
  6. Don’t brag about making monthly child support payments. Raising a child ain’t cheap so providing financial support is your responsibility. But don’t expect an Oreo or my golden cookie for doing so. Handling your business as a dad is not a romantic gesture.
  7. Never admit that you’ve fallen behind with your child support payments. After you mention this during dinner I’ve lost my appetite knowing that your kid might not be eating a balanced meal because you’re not making a financial contribution to his or her welfare. At this point I am envisioning your seed dancing in the streets like Oliver Twist belting from an empty stomach “Food Glorious Food” and begging a stranger: “Please sir, can I have some more?” Deadbeat daddies should stay six feet under.
  8. Call when your kid is asleep. If your kid can’t handle you engaging in a phone conversation with anyone that means you’re probably not giving them enough attention. In fact, that means you won’t be able to give your kid and me the attention we need, which also means you’re unavailable. #beatit
  9. Never allow anyone to hear your 12-year-old babbling in the background during an 11 p.m phone call. Clearly, you have no control of your house and this is not going to work, ever.
  10. Don’t mention that your co-parent works for the F.B.I. or any other type of law enforcement. I’m not interested in a future interrogation or investigation. Actually, I will abandon you at the restaurant but not before using my dinner napkin to expertly remove all forensic evidence and shoving my glass and silverware in my purse for further precautionary measure. BTW, those alleged pics of my 22-year-old self at Hedonism in uncompromising positions, well, er, it wasn’t me.
  11. Save your sperm-donor-for-my-bestie-girlfriend sagas. Trying to convince me that you and your co-parent had this wonderful platonic friendship but chose to procreate with no strings attached is never a good look. Admit it: you smashed and crashed.
  12. Don’t confess that you have twins of another mother. If you birthed Wonder Twins–two kids, same or close in age, from two different mothers–don’t ask me out. Project Twins is not a scientific term that I can accept as a plausible reason for your irresponsibility.
  13. Sharing that your genius-kid skipped three grades is makes-me-yawn unimpressive. Simply not interested in playing nice with your socially awkward smartass that one day I might have to lock in a closet.

Again, fellas please understand that while we single moms empathize with your parenting woes, we not only don’t want to hear you whining about them but we absolutely detest that you remind us of our no-good exes. And trust us, ain’t nobody got time for that!

MILFin Aint Easy: What Is Your Baby Mama/Daddy – Kid Limit When Dating? (single mom dating)

29 Dec

the-brady-bunch

How Many Kids – Baby Mamas/Daddy’s Is Too Much?

Not everybody can be the Brady bunch.  In their scenario the respective other spouses were deceased. But that is not the case for us all and there are men and women out there who have multiple children with more than one  person, more than one spouse more than one hookup.  So, my question to you is, how many is too many? And what situations are you not willing to work with if your potential mate has kids?

In my life, I am 1:1, one kid, one dad and I will be 36 very soon. But on this fantastic dating journey that I am on, I have to say, I have found some crazy ratio’s. 3:3, 4:3, and yes, 5:4. I have had to ask my self, how many extra kids and women am I willing to deal with.  With 3:3, nope, I’m not gonna do it. If you have three kids with 3 mothers, you are sloppy. 4:3, married twice young and some chick on the side with the youngest kid being younger than mine and you are older than me…yeah not gonna work. And for the 5:4 dude, that stopped the conversation cold and I think I hung up the phone immediately. I didn’t even want to hear the story.  To make it simple, these are the types of situations that I have found:

Continue reading

Dear Kid, Why You May Never Get That Sibling You Wanted.

15 Dec

Dear Kid,

I know you really want a younger sibling. I realized that after you left me clear hints when you a) said that I should join ChristianMingle.com and b) you told me that you wanted another sibling. But kid, with all that I do for you, I am afraid that this one request, well, it just may not happen.

For one thing, you are 8 years old. I am far past the diapers, the late nights, the worries, the nannies and the breast feeding. It has taken years for those girls to recover. From a DDD cup before pregancy to an F cup now, I do not want to know what a G cup looks or feels like. Not to mention, I would wake up in the middle of the night every night just be sure that you were breathing and worried about you rolling off the bed. Which you did, several times, as a munchkin. (sorry about that, but you are okay now right, cool)

Then there is the whole act of carrying a baby thing again. I mean, at this point in life, I have just found a low calorie drink, and I kind of like drinking and I don’t want to stop for 9 months. When I stopped for 9 months before, I didn’t have another kid, so it was easy to avoid liquor. And now I have the stresses of being a single mom (no offense to you kid, love you, love being a mom, blessed am I) and now, I have to deal with your dad, and well, as “wonderful” as your dad is, he kinda makes me want to drink, yeah, kind of a lot.

Another thing, I would have to get this dating thing right and actually find another dude to copulate and cohabitate with. This is a big one for me kid. I have actually tried dating again and it’s awkward. To be frank, my last date was kind of a fail after I made fun of his favorite movie and told him it was a girly movie and he then informed me that it was the favorite movie of his mother who was dying of cancer (yeah she died). Whoops. See these are the things that your mother does. But he did ask to see me again, so Im guessing something is wrong with him or he just may be a glutton for punishment…hmmmmm.

And you know, when I had you, I was a young spring chicken, now, I am old. And I don’t want to be the old mommy. Have you seeb these old mommies? They’re kinda slow and serene and and quiet ans yeah, um no, no old mommy hood for me. I kinda want all kids out of the house before I go through menopause so I don’t hurt anybody.

And then there is the money. Kid, you cost a lot. Vacations with you cost a lot. You want to go to Paris for Spring break and you are only 8. My pockets arent big enough for more of you. And daycare, well it costs a lot and I like shopping…a lot. So if we cant guarantee me some new shoes every month…then I am not going to be a happy camper.

How bout we just get a fish?

#modelmombehavior

This Week In Bad Parenting AND Bad Online Dating

14 Dec

shakefingerHappy holidays. Tis the season and I am in a giving mood, so this week I am giving you a two for one special. Not only are we touching on bad parenting, but bad online dating as well.  At the suggestion of a friend, I have decided to throw my hat in the ring again and try online dating.  Suffice to say, it has been loads of fun meeting people who I normally would not encounter in my day-to-day travels across the city. The experience is  like online shopping, and who doesn’t like shopping! I’m having a blast. However, one thing I am noticing is a large amount of men who put up pictures of themselves with their children on their dating profile. This, I do not understand. One potential suitor who messaged me, actually had a picture of his deceased son within his profile with the tag underneath, “R.I.P. my little man.”  Sorry for your loss but, this is not exactly making me want to reach out and touch you dude. That, is bad dating.

And on to the bad parenting, why would you want to put pictures of your children on a dating site?  In what world is that appropriate? Here we go, trolling through pictures of hot guys/girls and up pops a pic of you and your little one, right after the pic of you topless or shirtless all oiled up and ready to go.  (that is something else that I am having issues with but we are going to touch on that in a different post). Are you trying to say you are a well-rounded person? Want to look like a family guy/gal?  Are you trying to come off as less creepy? unfortunately, what you are really doing is showing that you are irresponsible.  You have no idea where these pictures are ending up. And given the fact that most dating sites have online applications that use location software to find people close to you, what if these people see you or your kid in the street? Awkward! And it is SO not sexy. If you wouldn’t let your 9-year-old have a Facebook page, why would you let them on your dating page? To me, it seems like common sense, and what’s worse, some of these people are not posting pictures of their own kids, but their nieces, nephews and god children. That is a complete and total violation of the family code.  Not to mention, if the father/mother of your child catches you using your kids in your online dating profile, you will be in loads of trouble. Womp womp.

Stop the insanity, oh and those horrible reverse mirror shots in the bathroom as well. :/

#modelmombehavior

Men, Are You Sponge, err, Sitter Worthy? – Single Mom in the City

10 Nov

Men, I want you to know that when you are dating a single mom, you have captured and are spending time with, some of the most wonderful women in the world. But, men, you must know, that when we go out with you, we are actually paying to be in your company, literally.

For those of us single mom’s and some dads, who have their children full-time or most of the time, at some point, we will be paying a sitter in order to go out with you. Do you know how much a sitter costs? On average, a good, reliable sitter costs anywhere between $15-$25 depending on what city you live in, the age of the child, how many children and the level of experience of the babysitter. So the math for the evening on the town with you goes something like this.

Continue reading