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Things Single Dads Say – Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That

9 Feb

Ladies, single dads are as awkward as single moms. Throughout my dating journey, I’ve met some really interesting men who utter the most ridiculous things about their offspring and co-parenting.  During many of these T.M.I. (Too much information) – confessions I thought about the sassy Ms. Sweet Brown who pointedly told a local news reporter that while in survival mode and escaping a house fire “aint nobody got time for that.” In other words, Sweet B had no time to grab shoes or valuables because it was a matter of life or death. Since then, her candid news interview has been viewed more than 5 million times on Youtube and her newfound celebrity has nabbed her an extreme makeover, an audio-tune remix of her news interview, a Tyler Perry movie role and endorsement deals. I realized that Ms. Sweet Brown and I are like-minded when it comes to dealing with do-or-die situations. Let’s face it: dating as a single mom is about the survival of the fittest and we must make life-altering decisions such as to kick or not kick a dude to the curb. After all, we have kids to consider when choosing a mate.

So here are some of the bizarre tell-tale signs that you need to chuck up the deuces to that loser single dad. Many of the things I’ve heard during dates are tragically comical at best. Hey, a single lady has to laugh to protect herself from a crying shame of a man. At least, these single dads’ revelations had me invoking the no-nonsense spirit of Ms. Sweet Brown. So fellas, here’s my 13-step program of “don’ts” to assist you with making a great first impression while trying to woo a single mom. And ladies, should any man commit these dating crimes, don’t try to figure it out, grab your stuff and run.

  1. Do not refer to your girl-child as a “little bitch.” No matter what your daughter does never describe her as such to the single mom you’re pursuing. Even if your daughter hot-wired your car to drive to Vegas to get hitched with the professor she slept with. If you do, I will bitch-smack you and make you my bitch! #rudearse
  2. Never admit that you allow your kid’s mom to handle all the parenting. If your idea of parenting is “I send the check,” then I’m ghost. You are a parent not an ATM. Now pay the check and take me home, big spender!
  3. Do not share that your 12-year-old is home alone, in a different borough, while you’re out dining. It’s evening and your kid is unattended but you’re calling every five minutes to ensure their safety. Really? Perhaps, you should have spent money on a sitter for one rather than dinner for two you ratchet absentee dad! You’re lucky that I haven’t reported you to BCW…oops already did!
  4. Keep any derogatory comments about your co-parent to your dayum self. If you’re that comfortable making disparaging remarks about your child’s mother then you lack respect and are full of drama. I can only imagine how you will bad-mouth me in the near future…if you haven’t already.
  5. Do not admit that your credit-card carrying 8-year-old is spoiled rotten. It’s simply not attractive and you are a bad parent for not investing in your child’s future rather than her go-for-broke plastic-addiction. Now, if you want to give me a credit card and spoil me rotten, well maybe we can talk a little longer.
  6. Don’t brag about making monthly child support payments. Raising a child ain’t cheap so providing financial support is your responsibility. But don’t expect an Oreo or my golden cookie for doing so. Handling your business as a dad is not a romantic gesture.
  7. Never admit that you’ve fallen behind with your child support payments. After you mention this during dinner I’ve lost my appetite knowing that your kid might not be eating a balanced meal because you’re not making a financial contribution to his or her welfare. At this point I am envisioning your seed dancing in the streets like Oliver Twist belting from an empty stomach “Food Glorious Food” and begging a stranger: “Please sir, can I have some more?” Deadbeat daddies should stay six feet under.
  8. Call when your kid is asleep. If your kid can’t handle you engaging in a phone conversation with anyone that means you’re probably not giving them enough attention. In fact, that means you won’t be able to give your kid and me the attention we need, which also means you’re unavailable. #beatit
  9. Never allow anyone to hear your 12-year-old babbling in the background during an 11 p.m phone call. Clearly, you have no control of your house and this is not going to work, ever.
  10. Don’t mention that your co-parent works for the F.B.I. or any other type of law enforcement. I’m not interested in a future interrogation or investigation. Actually, I will abandon you at the restaurant but not before using my dinner napkin to expertly remove all forensic evidence and shoving my glass and silverware in my purse for further precautionary measure. BTW, those alleged pics of my 22-year-old self at Hedonism in uncompromising positions, well, er, it wasn’t me.
  11. Save your sperm-donor-for-my-bestie-girlfriend sagas. Trying to convince me that you and your co-parent had this wonderful platonic friendship but chose to procreate with no strings attached is never a good look. Admit it: you smashed and crashed.
  12. Don’t confess that you have twins of another mother. If you birthed Wonder Twins–two kids, same or close in age, from two different mothers–don’t ask me out. Project Twins is not a scientific term that I can accept as a plausible reason for your irresponsibility.
  13. Sharing that your genius-kid skipped three grades is makes-me-yawn unimpressive. Simply not interested in playing nice with your socially awkward smartass that one day I might have to lock in a closet.

Again, fellas please understand that while we single moms empathize with your parenting woes, we not only don’t want to hear you whining about them but we absolutely detest that you remind us of our no-good exes. And trust us, ain’t nobody got time for that!

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