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Dear CoParent: A Letter To My Most Difficult Ex

17 Aug

Writing letter to a friend.

Dear CoParent,

I don’t often feel the need to communicate outside of head nods and waves, however I am somewhat compelled to bring back the art of letter writing. There are so many wonderful things I would like to share with you so here goes!

  • We are not telepathically connected, if we were we’d probably a)still be together (not) or b) you’d be totally floored to know how I really think about you, and not my polite company opinion of you, the gutter Love & Hip Hop, NY and Atlanta Reunion Specials opinion, the Teresa Giudice eye bulging neck vein opinion. So next time, try announcing your arrival for pickup instead of sitting in front of my house waiting like I am supposed to just feel your presence.
  • Do you think after all these years you arriving late for pickup actually bothers me? Nuh uh, as a responsible parent, there is always a Plan B. So if you think you are exuding some sort of control by just showing up when you like in order to either upset me or ruin my day…try again.
  • I love the fact that you always pick-up in taxi’s and hourly rented vehicles. Does the city give you a poor persons discount for these things? I didn’t know that people on Public Assistance who only make 5k per year while running a successful company could afford such things. o_O
  • I don’t talk about you negatively in front of your child, I don’t have to. The kid sees what an asshole you are unfortunately. I know, I know, its hard for you to hide it although you did a good job fooling me for a certain period of time. I am actually the one that encourages understanding, communication of thoughts and boundaries with both parents. Be lucky and appreciative because that kid gives some really wicked shade…I guess the kid learned that from you.
  • In case of emergencies, how about you call me. Sending text’s to my EMAIL ADDRESS is not going to get you a quick response from me during the day. I have a life, I work and don’t wait on your every word.
  • Just because you put it in an email, doesn’t mean it’s true. Do you not realize that email has time stamps and Tony the Tiger, is NOT REAL!?
  • Parenting Time, is not having your girlfriend pick the kid up from school, take the kid home, cook the kid dinner and then take the kid back to school the next day.
  • Although the kid is precious, the child its not a trophy. You don’t understand? Well all you seem to do during your Parenting Time is sit and stare at the kid, fuss if the kid is not dressed to your standards and show the kid off instead of having quality interaction and being a parent. Polished and in your possession…TROPHY.

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Are You Co-Parenting with Darth Vader?

31 Jul

Darth Vader had to be the worst father in the history of the universe.  Sure, he sacrificed himself at the end of his life for his son, but at that point after years of terror, it was too little too late. Given his prior behavior, Vader’s sacrifice was self-serving and Vader Come Lately if you ask me. And what about poor Padame? His evil actions caused her to croak. Could you imagine all of the Vadering that would have taken place to Padame if she was alive? If Darth Vader were living in present day, he would have dragged the mother of his twins through intergalactic Family Court in order to wrestle wrestle Luke and Laura away from her, because heck, Vader was not the type of man to pay child support and living expenses for droid upkeep.

Does this sound like your Co-Parent? If so, you are dealing with a man I would like to dub as Darth Father.

How do you know if you are dealing with a Darth Father, here are the 10 signs below:

  1. Any amount of child support is too much for a Darth Father to pay. Be it $50 dollars a month to $1300+ per month. If they make 10k to 2M per year, a Darth Father just does not feel like they should be giving you any money to take care of their child. Let The Rebels, i.e. your family, take care of the kid. Freak for all he cares, the Ewoks can chip in as well. Nobody is going to take away money from this Darth Father when he as DeathStars and shiny rims to purchase.
  2. Fights for visitation but then never comes to your galaxy to collect the kid(s). So after months, sometimes even years in my case, of fighting you for custody or visitation, a Darth Father will be granted visitation and then just disappears into the universe. But, that one day, when the child is not available, then watch out, hell hath no fury like a Darth Father scorned!  A Darth Father will have your ass back in Family Court quicker than Yoda can flip over your ass and cut your neck with a light saber.
  3. darth sidiousFights for visitation then leaves the kids with other people. So let’s say that after you go through family court and your co-parent gets your kid for a few days, they themselves don’t even spend time with your child.  A Darth Father’s kid will either get left with the current girlfriend, another family member or heavens forbid, with that family member who nobody likes who looks and talks like Darth Sidious.
  4. They know how to use The Force. The Force, being Family Court. For some Darth Father’s they have mastered The Force of Family Court. The manage to manipulate the system to their benefit, being able to obtain free attorneys, file constant motions and are some of the most litigious people from The Dark Side you will ever meet! Beware!
  5. They fight for control of things they cannot control. A Darth Father always wants to control shit that is not their business. If you start dating again, they want to be sure that this dude is not around their kid. They want to control how you do your child’s hair, what they wear, who their doctor is, but never want to do any of the work or the manual tasks that it takes to maintain what they want to control. Heck, my Darth Father once asked the court to make me inform him who I was going on vacation with. GTFOH! And when they do not get what they want they are quick to turn to The Dark Side to exact their revenge and “protect” what is theirs. Exactly what happened to “Sweet Little Annie”!
  6. A Darth Father never keeps their word. Remember when Laura told Darth Vader where the rebel base was in order to save the planet and that sucker blew up the planet anyway. Yeah, that’s a Darth Father.  You agree to all of their demands just to maintain a decent relationship for the sake of the kids and they cross those boundaries and mess shit up anyway.
  7. They misrepresent themselves to others. Before Darth Vader became, well Darth Vader, he was sweet little Anniken, right up till the end. Nobody knew that he was leading a double life of terror and mischief around the galaxy. And your eh hem, I mean Padame’s dumb ass didn’t see it. Your Darth Father will come to events and smile and wave for his audience and behind the scenes will literally be giving you the finger. My Darth Father once came to a school function to have his current girlfriend serve me with court documents.
  8. They speak ill of you to your child and to the Jedi Council. Anniken had no issue expressing his dislike and distrust to Obi Wan, just like a Darth Father would have no issue expressing his dislike of everything Mommy to your child. From her clothing selections to how I do her hair, Mommy always does something wrong.  These things are said to almost anyone a Darth Father can get on their side be it teachers, medical professionals or family members.
  9. No matter what planet you are on, you are still in THEIR UNIVERSE. These dudes are so full of their own Metacholrens there is no room on the planet for anyone else. Anniken had the most metachlorens than anyone had ever seen and all he could think about was securing his own interests. And just like a Darth Father, everything comes back to THEM. Your request for support is an attempt to rob him. Your attempt to set a schedule for your kid is an attempt to control their life and tell them when and how to spend time with their kid. Screw it, any and all requests is an attempt to ruin their lives according to a Darth Father. Beware Kimmie, looks like Kanye has the ability to turn to the Darkside!
  10. They are just plain EVIL and try to drive you insane. Anniken/Vader caused Padame’s death, it may not have been purposely, but some of these Darth Fathers live to see you suffer. They take Vadering to a whole other level with the tactics they employ to make your life a living hell.  Hey Padame took the sucker way out and left those kids to fend for themselves, we are stronger than that and live to fight a Vader another day.
A Darth Father lives for nothing more than to drive you nuts.

A Darth Father lives for nothing more than to drive you nuts.

So now that you now that you are dealing with a Darth Father, how does one get out of his grip and ride off into the sunset with Han Solo? Well lets save that for Part II.

The Land of Misfit Toys: What the Heck Happened to Last Years Christmas Presents?

18 Dec

Every year I clear out the kids toy chest to make room for the new junk that will be purchased this year. However, when I went through her closet this year, I couldn’t remember what the heck I bought her for Christmas last year because I don’t remember her playing with much or should I say any of it. After a mind meld of sorts, I figured out what it was, where it was, and why she wasn’t feeling it.

password journalThe electronic diary: I wanted her to have something where she could write her thoughts and feel like she could keep it to herself (until I decide to read it). However. The darn thing didn’t work to her liking. The “password” didn’t keep it locked and the “secret” was a marker that can only be seen under a UV light. According to my daughter, after I finally put batteries in it, a full 8 months after the holidays, she told me, “Mommy, you got ripped off!” Said toy is in the back of the closet.

imagesCA0M33USFijit Friends: She ended up getting two of these because the dear CoParent doesnt like to communicate about anything. So not only did I not realize that it was an annoying toy that only makes even more annoying sounds, we now had two of them! This toys “annoy mommy” factor was so high, I kinda had to ban it to the “only play with when mommy is not around” pile. Yeah, its kinda harsh but we have a small apartment and I can practically hear when she scratches from across the house. This toy as well is in back of the closet.

DSI Games: Now these were winners! I still can’t remember which ones I bought but she loved them, she could put them on mute and it was a WIN WIN for the apartment!

SnowFlurryOutfitAmerican Girl Doll stuff: I bought her a winter white snow suit and Coconut the dog for her American Girl Doll. This was a WINNER! She loves that doll and the outfit matched hers so YAY!

I know there was other stuff, but honestly, I can’t remember. Goes to show you just what we SHOULD be doing during the holidays which is not driving ourselves crazy buying our kids stuff they don’t need, want or even remember.

Le sigh.

#modelmombehavior

Prayer to the Co-parenting Gods to Help You Through the Holiday Season with Your Ex

19 Nov

Do NOT let your co-parent stress you out this holiday season. Say this prayer FIRST!

And so it has begun. With less than two days kicking off the holiday season, I wish you blessed co-parenting, scheduling and an easy breezy holiday visitation season! With that said, let us all bow our heads…

Co-parenting god,

I pray that this year be a stress free holiday with my co-parent.

I pray that my co-parent responds to all scheduling emails and communications within a timely manner and does not make scheduling pickups and drop-offs for holiday visits and school breaks a difficult one.  Because if I say 2pm you know the devil will make my co-parent say 1pm, and if I say tomorrow, that damn devil will make them say today, just to spite me. And if I want them to be flexible, they miraculously have plans that can’t be broken when you know they are just sitting doing nothing. I pray that my co-parent refrain from making incendiary remarks via email, text or voicemail or to my child during this holiday season, because god, you know how they are and you know how I am and you know, well YOU KNOW!

I pray my co-parent stay in their lane and refrains from acting sanctimonious because being a parent, just doesn’t happen on the holidays, it is a year round thing.

And co-parenting god, I hope, I really do, that my co-parent and their new piece do not go around playing house with my, um our child. Blended family is one thing, but it took two and that two did NOT include them! But bless them because they have to deal with what I didn’t want.

Co-parenting god, I pray that my co-parent doesn’t purchase over the top items for our child that they shouldn’t have without at least checking with me first.  I pray that we do not end up with 2 Fijit friends that get sent home to my house when I already have two more Fijit Friends waiting at home under the tree, because god, that fool just made me waste money and this month, my co-parent didn’t pay their child support. Sidebar:  nice earing’s/necklace/watch new girl/boyfriend. They must have spent some serious money on that, oh yeah, MY KIDS MONEY!

I pray, co-parenting god that my co-parent doesn’t prevent our child from calling my family members during the holiday season. Because if great Granma don’t hear from her great gran baby I will have to listen to that woman all day, tell me how stupid I was for laying down with that trash and how momma shoulda beat my ass more when I was a chile’ so I wouldn’t be in this mess because I was a fast ass and ask me how am I gonna catch someone with all these damn kids and that trifling co-parent still sniffing around.

And co-parenting  god,  I pray that my co-parent returns all the nice holiday clothing that I purchased for our child. And return them sooner rather than later because I paid for it with my money and getting a holiday outfit back on the Fourth of July Weekend is NOT going to help me out.

And I also pray, that if New Year’s eve falls on my co-parents visitation day, that they do not wait until the last-minute to cancel and say they are not going to pick up our child,  citing some sickness or whatever, when really, they have a hot date or the new piece doesn’t want the kids on NYE and fucks up my hot date because…wooo saaahhh, halleluiah… because co-parenting god, you KNOW it’s been a LONG TIME since I have gotten any and I NOW have a hot date and damn dey fine and god, dis person may be getting some…wait um okay scratch that.

And most of all, good, great, malevolent co-parenting god, I pray that you either give me enough strength or enough liquor to prevent me from shoving a fruitcake down the throat of my co-parent the next time I see them. I may get a little aggressive when asking them to “have a taste”.

In co-parenting god’s name, AMEN!

Happy Holidays

My Name is Bennett & I’m Not In It – Have Your Kids Keep You Out of Drama at Your CoParent’s House

2 Nov

For those of us with co-parenting situations, you know you have heard it before, “mom/dad said”. Well, suffice to say, when your kid is not with you and is with your co-parent, like it or lump it, what goes on in their house, what the rules are in their house, well, its not any of your business and you cannot dictate a damn thing inside of a house where you do not live.

My child on many occasions has complained about what dad said and what dad did while in his care. When a request was made by my kid, who put my name in it, “mommy said I should”, his reply was, “well its my time now”. As much of a jackass as he is, he is right. Although he could have given a better response instead of being a jerk, he was totally within his right to give that type of response, it his home. Now, granted, I didn’t SAY for my kid to tell him what I said, but given that the kid felt the need for some authority behind the request, and I probably did tell imply what should be done, I didn’t instruct the child to relay the message of, “mommy said”. But some of us co-parents do and have and have thought about doing just that. This is something that your child nor yourself can do.  And, if you have a co-parent like mine, the wonderful beautiful angel that he is, this is not going to fly and it WILL cause problems.

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Your CoParent is an A$$hole: But its Still Your Fault

28 Oct

Leave no room for error when co-parenting, when you can, do things YOURSELF!

One night I was having dinner…well okay, one night I was on a DATE. There I said it.   So, while I was on this date, I checked my email. (I know, bad move , checking my email on a date) well I saw a message from my dearly beloved ex and present co-parent with regards to our 7-year-old’s show-and-tell which was due the next day.

Within the email, my co-parent lambasted me about the inadequacy of our first graders show and tell presentation and that he would either be having her redo her show and tell, (at 10pm in the evening o the day before her presenation) or I should have myself at the school bright and early the next morning to provide her with a new show and tell for the day. This all happened because I asked my beloved co-parent to print out a few items for her poster board for show and tell since his visitation is right in the middle of the week.  I figured why rush to get her to do her homework before she goes there. I figured, let daddy help! He’s daddy!

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The Lonely Part of Single Parenting

20 Oct

I am a very busy person, I date, have tons of friends, social engagements, playdates, mommy friends, etc. I am never at a loss if group activities with couples or singles with children.  And I love my life.

But with that all being said, there is one thing that I do miss about parenting w/ my ex. And no, he’s not dead, or in jail we just do not speak casually AT ALL for reasons too deep to explain at this time. What I miss is having that person, the other half of her DNA makeup to talk to ABOUT my child with on a less superficial “she is so cute” level.
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