How do you explain what a condom is to an 8 year old?
When the kid was 6, a discovery was made when said child decided to go through my purse and found one of those free NYC condoms in my bag. (Don’t judge, those suckers come in handy when you decide your date is going to get lucky after making an oath before you went out on that date that they were NOT going to get NEAR the knickers, but then they looked hot and you were drinking and they were in a bathroom, they were FREE so, I took em, okay another story for another time) ANYWAY, the kid asked what they were. I mean the kid was 6, not ready for THAT conversation and I frankly was not ready for it either. So, the first thing that came to mind was, SAMPLE LOTION PACKETS. I told the kid that the multicolored condom packet was a lotion sample from a magazine. I kind of feel the kid knew that I was telling a fib, but the kid is too young and won’t remember. We left it at that until….
Fast forward one year later. The kid and I are at the pharmacy, on the counter, next to a container of free lollipops for customers, was a container with the same aforementioned NYC condoms. SIDEBAR: we will discuss why the frack they had lollipops next to condoms on another day because that was too weird. Back to the kid, I catch her staring at the lollipops and then at the “lotion packets”, before I can say anything to defuse the situation, the kid then yells. “MOMMY, LOOK THEY HAVE THE LOTION SAMPLES THAT YOU USE”. I cannot tell you the kinds of colors that I turned, but I do remember giving her a stern look and telling her to stop yelling and quickly ushered the kid out of the store.
Fast forward a year later to today on the train. DAMN NYC AND THEIR SAFE SEX ADVERTISEMENTS ON THE TRAIN, the damn advertisement for the condom was front and center right in front of the kid who can read and understand that this thing is not a lotion packet and wants to know what the frack this thing is. But WAIT, the ad was in SPANISH, the kid can’t read Spanish, SCORE. However there was a sexy woman with a man holding her and if this child thinks that the women in the Cialis commercials are too young for them men (again, a conversation for another time), kid knows something is up.
The question came and I told the kid to ask me later, then later came I told the kid to ask tomorrow. Without avoiding the sex conversation, what the frack do I tell her? See I told you I don’t have the answers, sometimes I ASK FOR YOUR ADVICE! HA!
The Model Mom