Dear CoParent: A Letter To My Most Difficult Ex

17 Aug

Writing letter to a friend.

Dear CoParent,

I don’t often feel the need to communicate outside of head nods and waves, however I am somewhat compelled to bring back the art of letter writing. There are so many wonderful things I would like to share with you so here goes!

  • We are not telepathically connected, if we were we’d probably a)still be together (not) or b) you’d be totally floored to know how I really think about you, and not my polite company opinion of you, the gutter Love & Hip Hop, NY and Atlanta Reunion Specials opinion, the Teresa Giudice eye bulging neck vein opinion. So next time, try announcing your arrival for pickup instead of sitting in front of my house waiting like I am supposed to just feel your presence.
  • Do you think after all these years you arriving late for pickup actually bothers me? Nuh uh, as a responsible parent, there is always a Plan B. So if you think you are exuding some sort of control by just showing up when you like in order to either upset me or ruin my day…try again.
  • I love the fact that you always pick-up in taxi’s and hourly rented vehicles. Does the city give you a poor persons discount for these things? I didn’t know that people on Public Assistance who only make 5k per year while running a successful company could afford such things. o_O
  • I don’t talk about you negatively in front of your child, I don’t have to. The kid sees what an asshole you are unfortunately. I know, I know, its hard for you to hide it although you did a good job fooling me for a certain period of time. I am actually the one that encourages understanding, communication of thoughts and boundaries with both parents. Be lucky and appreciative because that kid gives some really wicked shade…I guess the kid learned that from you.
  • In case of emergencies, how about you call me. Sending text’s to my EMAIL ADDRESS is not going to get you a quick response from me during the day. I have a life, I work and don’t wait on your every word.
  • Just because you put it in an email, doesn’t mean it’s true. Do you not realize that email has time stamps and Tony the Tiger, is NOT REAL!?
  • Parenting Time, is not having your girlfriend pick the kid up from school, take the kid home, cook the kid dinner and then take the kid back to school the next day.
  • Although the kid is precious, the child its not a trophy. You don’t understand? Well all you seem to do during your Parenting Time is sit and stare at the kid, fuss if the kid is not dressed to your standards and show the kid off instead of having quality interaction and being a parent. Polished and in your possession…TROPHY.

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The Model Mom’s Lessons of the Week 8/3/13

3 Aug woman

 

The Model Mom’s Lessons of the Week:

  • If you want your kid to understand anything, use an example that references their electronic games.

        Mom: Would you lend your DS to a person  you just met?

        Kid: NO WAY!

        Mom: Well, I’m no sleepover with a new friend, you’re MY DS!

        Kid: I get it.

  • No matter how much you think you have it under control, your annoying  Co-Parent will be able to get under your skin, even 4 years later. Keep booze handy!
  • Oven cleaner gets just about ANYTHING clean.  Dried milk spill that I was NOT told about and only realized it happened weeks after dude to the residue all over my kitchen cabinets and outside of the fridge that was almost concrete…GONE!
  • No matter how many towels or washcloths you put in the bathroom, you kid will still USE YOURS!
  • It is great to be an easygoing parent, but sometimes, just because, tell them NO. Keeps them in check and keeps them humble!

Why? Because The Model Mom Says So! #modelmomsayso

 

Are You Co-Parenting with Darth Vader?

31 Jul

Darth Vader had to be the worst father in the history of the universe.  Sure, he sacrificed himself at the end of his life for his son, but at that point after years of terror, it was too little too late. Given his prior behavior, Vader’s sacrifice was self-serving and Vader Come Lately if you ask me. And what about poor Padame? His evil actions caused her to croak. Could you imagine all of the Vadering that would have taken place to Padame if she was alive? If Darth Vader were living in present day, he would have dragged the mother of his twins through intergalactic Family Court in order to wrestle wrestle Luke and Laura away from her, because heck, Vader was not the type of man to pay child support and living expenses for droid upkeep.

Does this sound like your Co-Parent? If so, you are dealing with a man I would like to dub as Darth Father.

How do you know if you are dealing with a Darth Father, here are the 10 signs below:

  1. Any amount of child support is too much for a Darth Father to pay. Be it $50 dollars a month to $1300+ per month. If they make 10k to 2M per year, a Darth Father just does not feel like they should be giving you any money to take care of their child. Let The Rebels, i.e. your family, take care of the kid. Freak for all he cares, the Ewoks can chip in as well. Nobody is going to take away money from this Darth Father when he as DeathStars and shiny rims to purchase.
  2. Fights for visitation but then never comes to your galaxy to collect the kid(s). So after months, sometimes even years in my case, of fighting you for custody or visitation, a Darth Father will be granted visitation and then just disappears into the universe. But, that one day, when the child is not available, then watch out, hell hath no fury like a Darth Father scorned!  A Darth Father will have your ass back in Family Court quicker than Yoda can flip over your ass and cut your neck with a light saber.
  3. darth sidiousFights for visitation then leaves the kids with other people. So let’s say that after you go through family court and your co-parent gets your kid for a few days, they themselves don’t even spend time with your child.  A Darth Father’s kid will either get left with the current girlfriend, another family member or heavens forbid, with that family member who nobody likes who looks and talks like Darth Sidious.
  4. They know how to use The Force. The Force, being Family Court. For some Darth Father’s they have mastered The Force of Family Court. The manage to manipulate the system to their benefit, being able to obtain free attorneys, file constant motions and are some of the most litigious people from The Dark Side you will ever meet! Beware!
  5. They fight for control of things they cannot control. A Darth Father always wants to control shit that is not their business. If you start dating again, they want to be sure that this dude is not around their kid. They want to control how you do your child’s hair, what they wear, who their doctor is, but never want to do any of the work or the manual tasks that it takes to maintain what they want to control. Heck, my Darth Father once asked the court to make me inform him who I was going on vacation with. GTFOH! And when they do not get what they want they are quick to turn to The Dark Side to exact their revenge and “protect” what is theirs. Exactly what happened to “Sweet Little Annie”!
  6. A Darth Father never keeps their word. Remember when Laura told Darth Vader where the rebel base was in order to save the planet and that sucker blew up the planet anyway. Yeah, that’s a Darth Father.  You agree to all of their demands just to maintain a decent relationship for the sake of the kids and they cross those boundaries and mess shit up anyway.
  7. They misrepresent themselves to others. Before Darth Vader became, well Darth Vader, he was sweet little Anniken, right up till the end. Nobody knew that he was leading a double life of terror and mischief around the galaxy. And your eh hem, I mean Padame’s dumb ass didn’t see it. Your Darth Father will come to events and smile and wave for his audience and behind the scenes will literally be giving you the finger. My Darth Father once came to a school function to have his current girlfriend serve me with court documents.
  8. They speak ill of you to your child and to the Jedi Council. Anniken had no issue expressing his dislike and distrust to Obi Wan, just like a Darth Father would have no issue expressing his dislike of everything Mommy to your child. From her clothing selections to how I do her hair, Mommy always does something wrong.  These things are said to almost anyone a Darth Father can get on their side be it teachers, medical professionals or family members.
  9. No matter what planet you are on, you are still in THEIR UNIVERSE. These dudes are so full of their own Metacholrens there is no room on the planet for anyone else. Anniken had the most metachlorens than anyone had ever seen and all he could think about was securing his own interests. And just like a Darth Father, everything comes back to THEM. Your request for support is an attempt to rob him. Your attempt to set a schedule for your kid is an attempt to control their life and tell them when and how to spend time with their kid. Screw it, any and all requests is an attempt to ruin their lives according to a Darth Father. Beware Kimmie, looks like Kanye has the ability to turn to the Darkside!
  10. They are just plain EVIL and try to drive you insane. Anniken/Vader caused Padame’s death, it may not have been purposely, but some of these Darth Fathers live to see you suffer. They take Vadering to a whole other level with the tactics they employ to make your life a living hell.  Hey Padame took the sucker way out and left those kids to fend for themselves, we are stronger than that and live to fight a Vader another day.
A Darth Father lives for nothing more than to drive you nuts.

A Darth Father lives for nothing more than to drive you nuts.

So now that you now that you are dealing with a Darth Father, how does one get out of his grip and ride off into the sunset with Han Solo? Well lets save that for Part II.

Stuff Black Kids Don’t Do

20 Jun

People,  you can file this one under “Stuff Black Kids Don’t Do”. Notice in the video, not ONE black father, and it is not because they say black fathers are statistically more absent in the household than white fathers lol. It is because:

1) we raise our kids not to waste food

 

2) is really disrespectful to do that to your father and

3) you would be dead. PERIOD THE END

 

 

Diary of a Fustrated Single Mother During Summer Break: BIG BAG OF CRAP

20 Jun

Day 0.0

So the day has arrived, the last day of school. My kid is out of school for the summer. I am excited and elated that my third grader is now on her way to the fourth grade! It was a tough year, and we almost lost it at the end, with the whole hitting a kid thing (even though the kid kinda started it), and some other issues; fooling around with her friends in Spanish and making a slingshot in English.  But the kid came back strong with grades, performance and behavior. YAY for mommy and yay for kid!

The last day of school was a rainy day, but I was still happy and eager and freaking excited that my new morning call time for the next three months would be for 7 and not 530 a.m. All of that changed when I walked into her classroom and saw what was waiting for me, it was the biggest freaking bag full of crap I have ever seen. The bag will here on be referred to as Bag of Crap. Yes it’s so big, it gets a name. Parents, you know about Bag of Crap, it comes home the day before winter break, spring break and summer break. It spills out into your living spaces immediately and takes forever to be dumped and put away. For some reason we parents never seem to remember to expect Bag of Crap and act ridiculously surprised when the kids come walking out the building with their trusty, heavy friend.

The past three years, I have fallen victim to Bags of Crap with its sharp objects poking out and ruining my suits and stockings with sharp pencils and books and random straws. Bag of Crap is are typically made of cheap materials and usually fall apart shortly after putting in 10 pounds of crap. This year, Bag of Crap contained: art projects made of food, clothing , toys you didn’t even know made it out of the house, one of my rings, I tiny origami bird 9 headbands, puppets, a few straws, pencils with paperclips put in the eraser heads tied up with strings….yeah, good ole Bag of Crap.  One would think that in the pricey school I send my kid to, they would have better quality bags lying around to send the kids home with.  Being that I am not an evil mommy, I end up schlepping the shit myself, along with my big ole purse or Bag of Craps cousin my Shoulder Bag of Crap.

So I figured this year I would be ahead of the curve and get her to start bringing home some of this stuff early so that I don’t have to look like a bag lady and break my back on the last day of school. Did the kid do what I asked? Of course the heck not. I ended up carrying this bag shown below, plus my bag, plus an over sized umbrella in the  pouring rain. Not light rain, not steady rain but bananas ass pouring, subway slowing rain. See the bag below, its as wide as my front door. This was no joke.

The bag is as wide as my kitchen door, is about 2 ft high and HEAVY AS HECK!

The bag is as wide as my kitchen door, is about 2 ft high and HEAVY AS HECK

Well welcome day 0.0 of my kids Summer Break!

Things Single Dads Say – Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That

9 Feb

Ladies, single dads are as awkward as single moms. Throughout my dating journey, I’ve met some really interesting men who utter the most ridiculous things about their offspring and co-parenting.  During many of these T.M.I. (Too much information) – confessions I thought about the sassy Ms. Sweet Brown who pointedly told a local news reporter that while in survival mode and escaping a house fire “aint nobody got time for that.” In other words, Sweet B had no time to grab shoes or valuables because it was a matter of life or death. Since then, her candid news interview has been viewed more than 5 million times on Youtube and her newfound celebrity has nabbed her an extreme makeover, an audio-tune remix of her news interview, a Tyler Perry movie role and endorsement deals. I realized that Ms. Sweet Brown and I are like-minded when it comes to dealing with do-or-die situations. Let’s face it: dating as a single mom is about the survival of the fittest and we must make life-altering decisions such as to kick or not kick a dude to the curb. After all, we have kids to consider when choosing a mate.

So here are some of the bizarre tell-tale signs that you need to chuck up the deuces to that loser single dad. Many of the things I’ve heard during dates are tragically comical at best. Hey, a single lady has to laugh to protect herself from a crying shame of a man. At least, these single dads’ revelations had me invoking the no-nonsense spirit of Ms. Sweet Brown. So fellas, here’s my 13-step program of “don’ts” to assist you with making a great first impression while trying to woo a single mom. And ladies, should any man commit these dating crimes, don’t try to figure it out, grab your stuff and run.

  1. Do not refer to your girl-child as a “little bitch.” No matter what your daughter does never describe her as such to the single mom you’re pursuing. Even if your daughter hot-wired your car to drive to Vegas to get hitched with the professor she slept with. If you do, I will bitch-smack you and make you my bitch! #rudearse
  2. Never admit that you allow your kid’s mom to handle all the parenting. If your idea of parenting is “I send the check,” then I’m ghost. You are a parent not an ATM. Now pay the check and take me home, big spender!
  3. Do not share that your 12-year-old is home alone, in a different borough, while you’re out dining. It’s evening and your kid is unattended but you’re calling every five minutes to ensure their safety. Really? Perhaps, you should have spent money on a sitter for one rather than dinner for two you ratchet absentee dad! You’re lucky that I haven’t reported you to BCW…oops already did!
  4. Keep any derogatory comments about your co-parent to your dayum self. If you’re that comfortable making disparaging remarks about your child’s mother then you lack respect and are full of drama. I can only imagine how you will bad-mouth me in the near future…if you haven’t already.
  5. Do not admit that your credit-card carrying 8-year-old is spoiled rotten. It’s simply not attractive and you are a bad parent for not investing in your child’s future rather than her go-for-broke plastic-addiction. Now, if you want to give me a credit card and spoil me rotten, well maybe we can talk a little longer.
  6. Don’t brag about making monthly child support payments. Raising a child ain’t cheap so providing financial support is your responsibility. But don’t expect an Oreo or my golden cookie for doing so. Handling your business as a dad is not a romantic gesture.
  7. Never admit that you’ve fallen behind with your child support payments. After you mention this during dinner I’ve lost my appetite knowing that your kid might not be eating a balanced meal because you’re not making a financial contribution to his or her welfare. At this point I am envisioning your seed dancing in the streets like Oliver Twist belting from an empty stomach “Food Glorious Food” and begging a stranger: “Please sir, can I have some more?” Deadbeat daddies should stay six feet under.
  8. Call when your kid is asleep. If your kid can’t handle you engaging in a phone conversation with anyone that means you’re probably not giving them enough attention. In fact, that means you won’t be able to give your kid and me the attention we need, which also means you’re unavailable. #beatit
  9. Never allow anyone to hear your 12-year-old babbling in the background during an 11 p.m phone call. Clearly, you have no control of your house and this is not going to work, ever.
  10. Don’t mention that your co-parent works for the F.B.I. or any other type of law enforcement. I’m not interested in a future interrogation or investigation. Actually, I will abandon you at the restaurant but not before using my dinner napkin to expertly remove all forensic evidence and shoving my glass and silverware in my purse for further precautionary measure. BTW, those alleged pics of my 22-year-old self at Hedonism in uncompromising positions, well, er, it wasn’t me.
  11. Save your sperm-donor-for-my-bestie-girlfriend sagas. Trying to convince me that you and your co-parent had this wonderful platonic friendship but chose to procreate with no strings attached is never a good look. Admit it: you smashed and crashed.
  12. Don’t confess that you have twins of another mother. If you birthed Wonder Twins–two kids, same or close in age, from two different mothers–don’t ask me out. Project Twins is not a scientific term that I can accept as a plausible reason for your irresponsibility.
  13. Sharing that your genius-kid skipped three grades is makes-me-yawn unimpressive. Simply not interested in playing nice with your socially awkward smartass that one day I might have to lock in a closet.

Again, fellas please understand that while we single moms empathize with your parenting woes, we not only don’t want to hear you whining about them but we absolutely detest that you remind us of our no-good exes. And trust us, ain’t nobody got time for that!

For Kids, It Is Just That Simple: Life Lessons From My 8 Year Old

6 Feb

girl-under-bed_300Life, really isn’t that complicated and most problems have simple solutions. Just ask my 8-year-old.

The dreaded 3:18am wake up by your child, sometime, somewhere in your parenting journey, its going to happen. And on this Sunday night, I was violently shaken awake by my ridiculously strong  8-year-old. It’s not a usual occurrence so I expected to wake to some sort of  Paranormal experience where someone is levitating off the bed or the shadow of my ex attacking me for having his child support payments raised.  Instead I opened my eyes to find a very  cohearent, very alert child.  As a parent, we have our list of questions at the ready when these things happen: Are you ok?Did you wet the bed? Are you afraid? Did someone break into the house? Is someone outside with a big check with my name on it? Is something burning? To which she answered no for every question. After one final, WHATS WRONG KID! She replied…I need you to hold me so I can fall back asleep.

Too tired to argue, I did as was asked and went back to sleep.

The next morning, I asked her what was her problem. Why did she wake up the sleeping dragon. To which she replied. “Mama, I couldn’t sleep. So either I was going to be up and keep us both up or you could just hold me and we both get to go back to sleep. Makes sense right! It was simple mom, not complicated.” So yes, according to my very wise 8-year-old, life is that simple and I will take this talk and try to apply it to everything this week.

  • Dont like your job. Find a new one!
  • Gained some weight because you eat too much junk and don’t exercise enough. Stop eating junk and exercise!
  • Dont like your husband/boyfriend, get a new one!
  • Your kid likes to wake you up in the middle of the night…keep your door locked! :)

See its simple, not complicated!

#modelmombehavior

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